


Stay with me. (Be selfish with me.)

by grossnoona



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Aged Up, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Death Threats, I can't fully describe the injuries but they are serious, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Serious Injuries, Suicide Attempt, dating ban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:06:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24987274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossnoona/pseuds/grossnoona
Summary: Work is hard. Living is hard.It was supposed that loving was easy. That’s what they always told Mao and Ritsu.Loving was supposed to besuper easy.That turned out to be a fucking lie. Turns out, the difficulty of loving someone changes when you mention that you’re an idol. Not to mention, it gets harder when you add on the fact that your boyfriend isadoredby everyone else.Ritsu should have known this, honestly.
Relationships: Isara Mao/Sakuma Ritsu
Comments: 28
Kudos: 101





	1. Media Calling

**Author's Note:**

> hi! hi! grossnoona here!  
> I finally did it! my dating ban fic! it's alive!!  
> what is this? what is this dating ban fic you may ask? A fic made from a drabble I made for a friend!  
> the entire idea was all the way in _march_ but i only started it in may bc yk ppl get busy also burnout but yeaaa in between the months, i did spend some time reading stuff i might need for this fic (i wont tell you what i read exactly but _yes_ )  
> I hope you have fun!!  
> (also im uploading the first chap for nowbc apparently, i accidentally messed up the way this fic is stylized so tomorrow/today lol)

_ What a mess _ .

Ritsu wants to laugh. Ritsu wants to cry. Ritsu wants to  _ die. _

For a minute, Ritsu feels like he’s in a nightmare. This can’t be happening, right? No way is this happening, right? Ritsu wants to get up and laugh but he can’t.

“ _ This is you and Isara-san, right? _ ”

Instead, Ritsu is gulping and sweating in his seat. Scared of admitting the truth. He has to, though. There’s no denying it. The photo laid before him isn’t a lie. Ritsu can confirm that himself. It’s  _ real _ .

Ritsu can even tell them when it happened.

“When did it happen?” One of the staff members questioned. Ritsu stared at the photo for a minute. This isn’t going to be good.

It was 3 months ago. 

The weekend after Mao’s birthday. Mao wanted to see Ritsu after the tour. Ritsu remembered that. It had been a long while since Ritsu last saw Mao. Ritsu wanted to see him again. He loved every single minute of that date. He loved being with Mao, celebrating his birthday with just the two of them. Even though the celebration was late, Mao cherished it a whole lot. Ritsu was happy.

After all, it had been a long while since they spent time together. It had been a long while since they  _ went out _ together. Ritsu ensured he did everything perfectly as planned, even though Mao said he didn’t have to. Of course, Ritsu didn’t listen. He should have known better. When has Ritsu ever listened to Mao? Stupid forgetful Ma-kun, Ritsu laughed.

Of course, Mao liked it. Though he insists that being together alone with Ritsu is enough, Mao still smiles warmly when Ritsu gets to go out on a date with him. Like a real couple. One that doesn’t have to worry about hiding away from people. One that can openly love each other without care. Mao adores dates like that.

It ended with a kiss that Ritsu gave to Mao as one of his birthday presents. One that Ritsu could never forget. 

It was supposed to be Ritsu’s  _ favourite _ kiss but it became the kiss that Ritsu  _ hated the most _ .

Like Ritsu committed a crime, New Dimension questions and questions Ritsu about his relationship with Mao. It guilts Ritsu into thinking he shouldn’t have done that.

_ How long have you been dating? _

Ritsu doesn’t want to admit it but if Mao was in his position, he’d boldly admit the truth. Ritsu can’t. It’s too scary. Ritsu reluctantly admits that they’ve only been together for less than a year. Though, Mao has been meaning to date Ritsu for ages. Same for Ritsu. They just never found the courage to until  _ recently _ .

_ Were you aware of the repercussions you two would face when you started dating? _

To be honest, Ritsu didn’t. He was too happy to give a damn about that. How would fans feel? Ritsu couldn’t care less. All that mattered was the feeling of Mao hugging him and kissing him. All that mattered to him was the way Mao whispered  _ I love you _ into Ritsu’s ear when he holds Ritsu at night. Nothing else mattered. At least, that’s what  _ Ritsu _ thought. Not everyone agrees with him, unfortunately.

Still, Ritsu stutters out a nod because he did give it a thought. He doesn’t want to admit how selfish he was when they started dating. It’s terrible that Ritsu has to say yes, even though there shouldn’t be any repercussions for two idols to be in a relationship.

_ Do you have a solution for handling this? _

Ritsu stays quiet at that question.

A solution? Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest. He never thought this was going to happen. Mao and Ritsu have always been pretty careful. Only those close to them knew. They were private people, after all. They aren’t the type to flaunt such details of their lives. Even then, they were always careful when they were out.

It was only  _ one _ slip-up.

Ritsu clenches and unclenches his fists as he bores into the photo in front of him.

It was one  _ small _ mistake. That’s all it’s supposed to be.

Then why? Why is everyone making it a big deal? Why is everyone scolding Ritsu for wanting to be happy? Why can’t Ritsu be happy?

Ritsu takes deep breaths as the staff decides that this interrogation has gone too far. He doesn’t want to cry but he can’t help it. He’s scared. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how Mao will feel. He doesn’t want Mao to get mad at him. Ritsu echoes apologies in his head and in the meeting room.

_ This is so pathetic _ .

All Ritsu receives is pity and worry from his members and manager. It can’t be helped. They knew about it first. Long before the cameras could catch Mao and Ritsu being all over each other. Ritsu kind of doesn’t want their pity and worry. It makes Ritsu feel like he got caught for doing trouble. Even though it shouldn’t be, right? Ritsu doesn’t know.

Ritsu doesn’t want to look at his phone.

It’s plastered everywhere, right? That photo of Mao wrapping his arms around Ritsu’s waist as they kiss.

It must be plastered on every news site that Ritsu can list at the top of his head. Fans must be buzzing endlessly about the photo. Whether they hate it or like it, Ritsu will find out eventually. For now, Ritsu wants to pretend that mistake didn’t happen. Ritsu wants to imagine that all the meeting was about some project that New Dimension is deciding Ritsu should join in. Like a drama or something useless like that.

Ritsu sighs as he stares at his phone. It won’t stop vibrating.

Please stop. Just stop. Stop vibrating. 

  
  


_ Please _ .

  
  


Ritsu covers his ears as the phone vibrates endlessly. It’s only been an hour since the meeting ended and Ritsu already doesn’t want to hear anyone else’s opinion on his relationship. God knows how long that news has been up. Ritsu doesn’t want to find out. It’s probably been up for  _ hours _ . Maybe one whole day, even. The attention it’s garnered―Ritsu is just  _ so scared _ .

All Ritsu wants to do right now is see Mao. He shouldn’t. Mao must be stressed out. He’ll only pile up more worries if he does that. Ritsu doesn’t want to do that to Mao.

Even then, he wants to see Mao. He wants to hug Mao. Have Mao pepper him with kisses and reassurance. Ritsu wants Mao to scare away this fear and nightmare. Ritsu wants Mao to make him feel like this wasn’t one big mistake. It can be easily fixed. Just like what Mao always say when Ritsu makes a mistake.

Such warm thoughts get cut by more phone buzzing.

It buzzes and buzzes. Ritsu hates it.

A clear sign that Ritsu can’t ignore this situation any longer. He has to look at the damage caused regardless of how he feels about the situation.

Ritsu sighs and finally gives in.

There are too many notifications. Too many messages. Too many mentions. Too many comments. Everyone is giving Ritsu a piece of their mind. Some are nice. Some are awful. Some are confusing. Actually, scratch that,  _ a lot _ of them are awful. It leaves Ritsu feeling uncomfortable with himself. It leaves Ritsu feeling grossed out by himself.

“This must be a chance for people to  _ finally _ have a reason to not like me, huh?” Ritsu asks himself as he scrolls through all of the mentions. People are not giving Ritsu a break, huh? All of them are questioning Ritsu. All of them are speaking ill of Ritsu. No one likes the fact that Ritsu is dating Mao. All of them are asking why does Ritsu have to choose someone like Mao. Selfish prick. Can’t let your own childhood friend date anyone else, huh?

Ritsu stares blankly at the screen.

The mentions scroll pass the screen by themselves. Ritsu doesn’t have to lift a finger. He doesn’t even have to read the mentions one by one. They’re all the same, anyway.

Selfish. Weirdo. Ugly. Stupid. Gross.

_ It’s hilarious. _

Suddenly, Ritsu is scared of showing his face again. He doesn’t want to stand on stage anymore. He’s scared of what could happen if he ever stood on stage. How funny. Ritsu wants to laugh but he can’t. He knows. He knows he’ll just end up crying again. This is so stupid. Ritsu hates how he wants to cry over this.

What exactly did Ritsu expect? How did Ritsu expect everyone to react to this?

Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu never thought this would happen.

They were always careful. They were always quiet about these things. Even if fans were to question, they could always chalk it up to them being close friends. Childhood friends. After all, that’s what fans knew them as. It’s strange, Ritsu thought.

For a second, people adored the fact that Ritsu and Mao were  _ super close. _ They loved it when Mao and Ritsu spoke of each other, joked with each other and had fun together on stage. They adored every bit of that type of interaction. They drank it up and called them, the sweetest friends. Isn’t it funny that they decided that their relationship is disgusting as soon as they found out that they’re actually dating? They’re smearing both of their names with dirt. Suddenly, they want to burn Ritsu alive.

_ How weird. _

Here Ritsu thought people would quickly accept it. Guess they only liked them as friends.

Guess they liked the idea of Mao being available despite his hands and mouth stating otherwise. They liked the idea of Mao being  _ theirs _ , even though Mao has described Ritsu as his type. They liked the idea that they could change Mao’s mind. They liked the idea that they had a chance with Mao, even though Mao has never said such a thing.

_ It can’t be helped _ .

Ritsu knows how people mainly feel towards Mao.  _ A lot _ of people want to date Mao. Ritsu isn’t stupid. Ritsu knows how many fans, idols and even staff members have tried confessing to Mao. It’s obvious that this news would be heart-breaking to many. It’s obvious that this news is going to piss everyone off.

_ Ma-kun is the nation’s boyfriend, after all. _

Nobody would believe him if he said he’s dating  _ that Sakuma _ . No, not the popular one. The  _ stupid, lazy one _ . The one that doesn’t seem to do anything in his group. The uninteresting one. The unfriendly one. The one that fans never fully understood. The one who can’t do anything right. Why would Mao want to date _ that one? _ Mao must have terrible taste.

Ritsu turns off his phone.

Ritsu doesn’t want to look at his messages anymore. Half of them must be nothing but prayers for Ritsu’s death. There’s no point in drowning in more of these things. He gets the picture already. They want Ritsu to stay away from Mao  _ immediately _ . They’re blaming Ritsu for dragging Mao into this. They’re blaming Ritsu because Mao could never do this.

It’s  _ so easy _ to put the blame on Ritsu, right?

Ritsu isn’t good at defending himself in these situations. He can throw a hit physically but words? That isn’t easy. He stumbles over them and people jump to conclusions because of that. Before Ritsu has a full proper sentence down, everyone is already pointing fingers at Ritsu. While Ritsu is  _ trying _ to explain himself, they already claim that they know Ritsu better than  _ he _ does. It’s exhausting, honestly.

It’s exhausting trying to explain himself over and over again.

No one is listening anymore. No one cares enough.

Even if they do, the margin between those who are pouring their utmost love for Mao and Ritsu and those who are blaming Ritsu for dragging Mao into something he doesn’t need is  _ far too big _ . 

As much as Ritsu wants to look at those warm messages with the utmost love,  _ it’s hard _ .

It’s so hard. It’s covered up by all of those ugly messages Ritsu gets. As much as Ritsu wants to shower those people with love,  _ he can’t _ . Ritsu can’t help but feel like some of them are just fake anyway. They’ll probably start off sweet but in reality, they don’t want Ritsu. They just wanted to be  _ polite _ about it, unlike  _ the rest _ .

Ritsu can only assume how Mao is feeling at the moment. He’s probably angry. It’s probably bubbled over. It can barely contain itself anymore. Eichi must be asking him to stay calm but Mao can’t do that. He knows he isn’t allowed to show that kind of face. The one where he’ll chew out anyone that comes near him. Not only will Eichi scold him, the staff uphold a standard on him.

“ _ Oh, Isara-san is so sweet! _ ”

“ _ Isara-kun can never hurt a person! _ ”

“ _ Isara-san is one of the kindest people you’ll ever meet! _ ”

Ritsu knows that’s utter bullshit. Mao isn’t that kind of person to be pure inside out. He must be seething in his office at this very moment. As terrifying as it may be, Ritsu can’t help but feel sorry. Ritsu can only imagine how much anger he’s holding back as he gets asked pitifully by those staff members that think he’s better than this. They’ll probably weep about how it’s unfair that Mao isn’t available anymore. Let alone be with someone like Ritsu.

_ So fucking annoying. _

Ma-kun is sweet but do you expect him to stay kind after this? Don’t make Ritsu laugh. Even if this blows over, Mao will dangle this incident over their heads. Mao is going to make everyone  _ beg _ for mercy. He’s nice  _ but only when he has to _ . Ritsu won’t be surprised if Mao spits out how he won’t forgive anyone if they try to patronize him about his goddamn relationship with Ritsu. Trickstar might need to  _ seriously _ hold him back this time.

Ritsu personally believes Mao isn’t going to forgive anyone.

Though, is that really what Mao is feeling? 

Is Ritsu sure that Mao isn’t crying hot messy tears like Ritsu? 

Is Ritsu sure that Mao isn’t begging for forgiveness from his company? 

Is Ritsu sure that Mao isn’t being threatened by his company to break up with Ritsu?

Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest. He’s too scared to figure out. Ritsu knows Knights are scrambling to the floor, wondering how this will fair for their image. Tsukasa is probably on the verge of demoting Ritsu but he won’t. Not because Ritsu has any real value in the unit but because what would Knights be like without Ritsu? It’s hard to imagine. They’ve been together for too long that removing Ritsu would simply be too awkward. Who will they replace Ritsu with? God knows who.

Tsukasa isn’t the only one who wouldn’t want Ritsu to go.  _ All of Knights are the same _ .

Tsukasa might complain about how the team would feel imbalanced. Leo would whine and whine how none of the songs sound complete. Izumi might nag everyone to death about the lack of symmetry in their dances. Arashi would hate how lonely and empty late practices will be. Ritsu knows Knights doesn’t want Ritsu to go.

Ritsu doesn’t want to either but reality doesn’t work in their favour.

If things get worse, Ritsu won’t have a choice. Dragging Knights isn’t something he wants to do. They shouldn’t be dragged down for Ritsu’s mistakes. It’s not their fault.

Ritsu closes his eyes for a minute.

_ It shouldn’t be anyone’s fault. _

Eating is hard. Sleeping is hard. Doing anything is hard.

All Ritsu can hear is the phone buzzing. Even if Ritsu tries to turn up the music in his apartment, it gets disrupted by the pinging from his phone. It’s honestly terrifying to touch his phone. Ritsu doesn’t want to see the messages but without his phone, he won’t be able to get any help.

A double-edged sword.

Ritsu has to look at it for work but without it, Ritsu won’t need to know a single thing about the words people want to hurl at him. How pitiful. For once, Ritsu wants to stop being an idol. It’s only been a day and he already can’t handle it? What a goddamn baby.

“It’s not wrong to be a baby, though.” Ritsu sighs as he sinks deeper into his couch. He can’t go to sleep. The endless buzzing is stopping him from doing so.

  
  
  


_ Clink. _

  
  
  


_ Shuffling. _

  
  
  


Ritsu sits up from his couch. That’s weird. Ritsu doesn’t have a roommate. He has always lived alone. Ritsu has always preferred living that way.  _ Yet _ , someone is at the door but who? Ritsu runs his mind through anyone he vaguely recalls having the keys to his door. It can’t be just  _ anyone _ . It has to be someone who he knows.  _ Who? _

Ritsu rattles his head for answers as he takes slow steps to the front door.

There has to be someone who knows where Ritsu lives  _ and _ has Ritsu’s keys. The only other person who knows all of this, aside from his family, has to be…

  
  
  


“ _ Ma-kun? _ ”

  
  
  


Mao clings tightly to one of Ritsu’s plants he nearly knocked over, obviously surprised by Ritsu’s sudden intrusion. How funny, Ritsu thought. Mao? Scared of Ritsu’s presence? When he’s the one who is walking into Ritsu’s apartment without notice? Don’t be so stupid now, Ma-kun. Ritsu knows Mao lives in a different building. Mao and the rest of Trickstar are neighbours. Something Ritsu doesn’t understand. If they still miss being roommates, why did they decide to live on their own?  _ Personal space _ is what Mao always answers.

Even then, it’s not like Ritsu doesn’t want Mao to be here.

If anything, Ritsu wants Mao to be here. He needs it. He needs Mao to be here.

“ _ Have you eaten? _ ”

It’s easier to eat when Mao is around. It’s easier to smile when Mao is around. It’s easier to do anything as long as Mao is next to him.

At least, Ritsu likes to believe so.

For a minute, Ritsu doesn’t remember anything from today’s meetings. Ritsu doesn’t even recall what the world was going on about. All he could think about was the way Mao clings tightly to Ritsu, whispering  _ I love yous _ into his shoulder after dinner. All he could think about was how easy it felt to forget everything when Mao hugged him in bed.

Ritsu doesn’t want this moment to end.

  
  


_ Ping _ .

  
  


It’s kind of hard to want that when reality strikes so quickly.

  
  


_Ping._ _Ping._

  
  


Ritsu thought he had already muted his phone. He swore he did that as soon as he could because he couldn’t take it anymore.

  
  


_ Ping. Ping. Ping. _

  
  


Was it Mao’s phone? Was Mao’s phone bombarded with similar messages? Ritsu can’t help but want to look at it. As cruel as it seems. Ritsu knows he’s just hurting himself at this point.

  
  


_ Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping. _

  
  


Then again, Ritsu will find out eventually. Ritsu will know how fans will feel about Mao sooner or later. They’re already pretty vocal about Ritsu. It won’t be surprising that they would be vocal about Mao too. No matter what, they have an opinion on Mao’s choices if they go against their idea of him.

So funny.

  
  


_ Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping. _

  
  


_ What is Isara Mao to you? _

  
  


Ritsu will never figure that out.

  
  


Ritsu stares at the many messages sent to Mao. They are similar but also  _ far different _ from the ones that Ritsu receives. Ritsu recognises some of the names. They’re not friends.Neither are they acquaintances.  _ They’re fans _ . Spamming Mao with genuine concern.  _ Ironic _ .

Wasn’t it earlier that they were spamming Ritsu with the utmost disgusting messages that they could think of? Did they send those messages consecutively? Wouldn’t that be hilariously morbid? Ritsu hates how he can already suspect that despite how rude it can come off. Ritsu doesn’t want to be mean to Ma-kun’s fans, even if they’re awful to Ritsu.

“ _ Please take good care of yourself during this stressful period ❤  _ ”

Ritsu frowns at that message. That’s definitely not what this user said to Ritsu. Didn’t they tell Ritsu to go kill himself for dragging Mao into this mess?

“ _ Mao-kun doesn’t deserve to be in this kind of scandal! Why did he have to be dragged into this TTTT _ ”

Scandal? Well, Ritsu understands why everyone is calling it a scandal but it shouldn’t be. Mao is just dating someone. That shouldn’t be a scandal. It shouldn’t be a problem. Ritsu wanting to be with Mao shouldn’t be anyone’s problem. Why can’t they leave Mao and Ritsu alone?

“ _ Why Knights’ Ritsu? Not to be rude but Mao-kun deserves better, doesn’t he lol _ ”

  
  
  


Ah. Well.

  
  
  


Well, Ritsu doesn’t need to be told that. Ritsu wonders the same. Even without the news, Ritsu has always wondered why Mao wants to be with Ritsu. What’s so interesting about Ritsu? What does Ritsu have that makes Mao want to be with Ritsu? He will never understand. He will never know. 

Judging by Mao’s messages, he has all sorts of people to choose from. He could have easily chosen someone else to like. Someone that would suit his taste better than Ritsu. Someone that the public would be more willing to accept. Someone that everyone would like. Someone that wouldn’t cause such a mess.  _ Someone that’s nothing like Ritsu. _

“You know, I normally don’t hate it when you check my phone but I  _ really _ don’t want you to do this right now,” Mao mumbles into Ritsu’s waist. Though his face isn’t clear in the dark, Ritsu can feel the disappointed look.

Ritsu feels Mao hugs him tightly.  _ Come to bed _ , it’s clear from the way Mao’s tugging Ritsu’s waist. Ritsu can barely voice a protest as he gets dragged back down to bed, Mao already has taken his phone away from Ritsu. It’s shut off completely. It’s put away from Ritsu completely. Mao doesn’t want Ritsu to look at those messages. They’re useless and annoying. They do nothing but plant ideas in their heads.

_ Ideas that neither of them want. _

Mao has his entire body wrapped around Ritsu. All Ritsu can hear is Mao’s hoarse mumbling from fatigue. It makes Ritsu giggle a little. Like a baby, Ritsu might joke if it weren’t from the fact that his hands are going somewhere obscene. Ritsu thought Mao wanted Ritsu to sleep? Why is his hands touching Ritsu underneath his clothes? Pervert.

Mao scoffs at Ritsu’s sleazy commentary. Don’t say such things unless Ritsu is asking for it. It’s hard not to smile when Mao banters with Ritsu like that. It’s hard not to laugh when Mao frowns at Ritsu for teasing him about his ridiculous habits. Sorry, Ma-kun. It’s hard not to tease Ma-kun.

Ritsu wants to stay like this. Mao and him kissing and cuddling underneath the sheets. Hearing Mao complain about how cold Ritsu’s feet are while Ritsu laughs. Sleeping to the feeling of Mao’s chest going up and down during REM, Ritsu wished he could do this forever.

_ Alas, it was only for the weekend. _

Of course, Mao can’t stay for long. Usually, Ritsu isn’t so bothered by this but with their current situation, it’s hard not feeling disappointed by Mao’s quick leave. Ritsu doesn’t want to complain. It’s rude to complain and throw tantrums about Mao’s schedule. Yet, Ritsu can’t help it. Ritsu doesn’t want to admit it but it’s almost as if the world is taking Mao away from Ritsu. How unfair.

The fact that Ritsu can’t be selfish with Mao is clearer than ever. Uncomfortably clear.

It’s so clear, anyone can see that. Ritsu isn’t allowed to keep Mao to himself. There’s no need to send him messages, letters, packages or any sort of thing to remind him that. Ritsu can hear that message crystal clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wild gestures) let your idols date everyone  
> dont hate on them if they're happy w someone else that isn't you  
> anyway!! personally?? personally?? this is a fun little aspect to think abt, only in the realms of fiction bc the reality of it is _fucked up_  
>  this??? fucking stupid i actually hate dating bans  
> i will fight for my idols to date whoever the fuck they want  
> anyway, i hope you had fun!!  
> thank you reading!!  
> (tell me im an asshole on twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))


	2. Accumulated Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It builds up. Uncomfortably. It piles up.
> 
> They’re thinning. They’re breaking. They’re being crushed under all of this pressure.
> 
> Neither of them want this. Neither of them want to blame the other. Neither of them want to take the blame either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned like 6 hours later lol  
> I am uploading this bit by bit bc editing lol  
> but !!!!!!!!!! fuck dating ban!!!!!!!!   
> also ritsu gets hurt a lot in this chapter so uh heads up (not like it wasn't obvious that ritsu was going to get hurt but yeha)  
> enjoy!!!

Ritsu sighs.

_ Another letter _ ―Just how many more are they planning to send Ritsu?

Ritsu is scared to open this one. Ritsu doesn’t want to open it. Just how many more are there from today alone? Ritsu doesn’t want to figure it out. Ritsu doesn’t even want to think about it at all.

_ Even then _ , the more Ritsu prolongs checking, the more anxious he’ll become. Ritsu can’t do that. Ritsu can’t handle the feeling of anxiety building up in him every single time he passes by the living room. The letters will accumulate eventually. Somewhere in that pile, the bills are there. So are other packages Ritsu is supposed to receive. _ Responsibilities _ . Ritsu has to attend them. Ritsu has to do it but  _ Ritsu doesn’t want to. _

Ritsu’s hand hovers over the letters.

The addresses aren’t written clearly enough. Ritsu can’t really report them. Not like the police will do anything serious. They’ll simply write it off as a prank. Though, a prank like this is already pretty dangerous, isn’t it? Ritsu will never understand the logic behind such lazy reasoning. Ritsu doesn’t know anymore. He’s too tired for such arguments now.

Picking up one of the letters, Ritsu can’t clearly feel anything behind the flap. That’s a good thing, right? That means these letters are not  _ those _ kinds of letters, right?

Ritsu takes a deep breath. Hoping to God that he isn’t just fooling himself again.

  
  
  


_ One. _

  
  
  


Ritsu tries to do it as quickly as possible.

  
  
  


_ Two. _

  
  
  


Maybe that way, it wouldn’t hurt as much.

  
  
  


_ Three. _

  
  
  


He says that all the time but the results never change.

  
  
  
  


_ Four. _

  
  
  


It still hurts as much as the last time. Blood is dripping everywhere. Ritsu hates this.

  
  
  


There’s no need for Ritsu to read the letters. The razors were enough. The razors gave Ritsu a  _ very clear _ message. It’s  _ too clear _ . Uncomfortably clear.

Ritsu stares blankly at the cuts as he runs them under the water.

Just how many cuts has he received this month alone? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu has lost count.

It’s terrible that Ritsu doesn’t remember how many times it has been. He’s lost count. He always can’t feel anything underneath the flap. He always can’t feel anything underneath the folds on the letter. Yet, just as Ritsu feared, it’s there. The sharp blade digging into Ritsu’s skin as he unfolds them. It stains and ruins the letters. Even though Ritsu shouldn’t care about staining the letters at all. There’s no need in reading them.

Even though Ritsu said there’s no need to read the letters, he still reads them anyway. Even though the letters say the same things over and over again, Ritsu finds himself reading each letter carefully. Out of habit? Maybe. Ritsu doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s faced with so many morbidly detailed letters, telling how to kill himself. Some are cruel enough to say that they will kill Ritsu themselves. Some joke about how if Ritsu isn’t quick enough, they’ll come after Ritsu.

_ Scary. _

Ritsu sighs as he stares at his wrists. The bandages are poorly done. Can’t be helped. Bandaging yourself isn’t very easy. Ritsu will have to makedo.

Had Mao been here, maybe he’ll help. Though, Ritsu doesn’t want Mao to find out about this. Neither does Knights but it seems they’ve already figured it out. It’s clear how Ritsu focuses too much on his wrist when applying foundation. It’s also clear in how he dresses. Long sleeve shirts are an awkward choice of clothing for a song made to be performed in Summer. Everyone can figure it out that Ritsu is hiding  _ something _ . What that  _ something _ may be to everyone else, Ritsu doesn’t really want to know.

It can’t be helped, though.

No matter how much Ritsu tries to get rid of the scars, they still appear regardless. No matter how much foundation Ritsu tries to slap on, they still appear regardless. No matter how long the sleeves on his shirt are, they peek through with how the movement of his hand makes as he dances with Knights. It’s driving Ritsu insane. Ritsu can’t hide it. Why won’t it disappear? Ritsu wants it to disappear.

The quicker they disappear, the quicker this uncomfortable rush of attention will go away.

“Fans are asking why you’ve been dressing like that,” Izumi states as he scrolls through his phone. Ritsu quirks his eyebrow―Do they really care about Ritsu’s wellbeing?

Ritsu sighs as he folds his arms. 

That was rude. Ritsu can’t help it. He can’t even believe people who are genuinely concerned about him anymore. It’s just hard. After all of that has been done to Ritsu, it’s hard to spot  _ true concern _ over fake concern. Ritsu finds himself assuming every message that starts with  _ I hope you’re okay _ will end with a death threat. It’s hard to imagine someone caring for Ritsu after all of this.

“Just how long are you going to pretend  _ that _ isn’t a problem, Ritsu-chan?” Arashi asks as she reaches out for Ritsu’s wrists. Ritsu quickly tucks his hands deeper into himself. It’s obvious that Ritsu isn’t going to let Arashi touch it. Why should he? It’s not like Arashi could make them disappear either.

Arashi gives him a strange look. Of course, she’s offended by Ritsu’s sudden lack of wanting to let her in. It’s weird. Even if Ritsu lost trust in every member of Knights, Arashi will still remain one of the few people Ritsu could trust completely. Why won’t Ritsu let Arashi in? She wants to make sure Ritsu is okay. Ritsu knows that.

Shrugging isn’t the right answer but when has Ritsu ever given the right answer?

Tsukasa notes how this is harassment, it’s best they report it. Before Ritsu can argue that the police won’t do shit, Leo says it for him. Of course, Leo is agitated. Ritsu and him may not get along at times but Ritsu will acknowledge that Leo  _ does _ care for Ritsu. He cares enough to get annoyed and ramble how this situation is helping no one. All it’s doing is making a huge mess  _ no one _ wants to clean up.

Ritsu stays silent as the other members look at him with a look that reminds him of both disappointment and concern.

They know. Ritsu knows. Everyone knows.

Ritsu can’t just keep doing this. How long more is Ritsu going to pretend that this is fine? How long more is Ritsu going to accept this? Why is Ritsu treating this like it’s part of his daily life? Why is Ritsu letting himself feel like this is normal? Like this is part of what it’s like being an idol?

  
  
  


_ It shouldn’t be. _

  
  
  


The messages increase as Ritsu ignores them. They demand Ritsu give a personal response. They demand Ritsu apologise. For what? Ritsu doesn’t know. Ritsu doesn’t want to apologise. It’s hard to selfishly say that without fearing for his life.

Ritsu wonders why it’s hard to be selfish. Ritsu is supposed to be good at being selfish. That’s all people know Ritsu for.  _ Selfish _ .

People don’t back off if you confirm it. People don’t back off if your companies agree not to pry any further. They get louder and rowdier. They complain. They whine. They don’t listen to anyone. They won’t sit still until they get what they want.

What exactly do they want? Ritsu wonders.

An apology? Even if Ritsu apologises, it’s not like the relationship will disappear. Them to break-up? Ritsu doesn’t want to. Though Ritsu says that, Ritsu can already tell they’ll torture it out of Ritsu. They’ll make Ritsu beg for mercy.

Would they do the same to Mao? Ritsu wonders about that. Maybe. Maybe not. They might pity him actually. They’re probably waiting for Mao to deny the claims or something stupid like that. Ritsu doesn’t know. All the tweets and articles Ritsu has seen that have tossed around their names, they seem pretty protective over Mao but not Ritsu. It’s almost as if they want Mao to suddenly admit that he has broken up with Ritsu. Just like everyone wants them to.

If Mao breaks up with Ritsu, surely people would rejoice. Maybe not all but  _ most _ would. Ritsu can already hear the glee in their voices. Terrifying. Mao isn’t that type of guy, right? He’s not the type of guy to religiously follow every word uttered by his fans, right? Mao doesn’t want to be praised that bad, right?

How funny―Ritsu is doubting Mao.

Why is he doing that? Has their relationship changed because of this?

The thought of their relationship wearing thin because of all those comments, Ritsu doesn’t have to think so hard to know it can happen.

It  _ most definitely _ can happen.

Ritsu can already tell that this relationship is cracking beneath the sudden pressure. It’s painful that Ritsu doesn’t know what to do about it. He feels helpless. He feels tired. He can’t take this anymore. He can’t handle the endless ringing from his phone. It hurts. It hurts that Ritsu doesn’t know what to do.

Can Ritsu say all of these aloud, though? Can Ritsu admit these worries to Mao?

The way Mao tries to return the same amount of tightness when Ritsu wraps his arms around Mao’s back, it makes Ritsu forget the situation they’re in.

It’s almost as if this entire fiasco was nothing but a nightmare he could wake up from.

A nightmare that Mao could kiss and cuddle away. Something that Ritsu didn’t have to worry about because  _ it wasn’t real _ .

Ritsu tucked his head deeper into Mao’s neck.

  
  
  


_ Not real _ .

  
  
  


_ God Ritsu wished it weren’t real. _

  
  
  


Ritsu wonders if he’s just being selfish. Ritsu wonders if Ritsu should learn a thing or two from this mess. Ritsu wonders if he should understand his position and be a responsible adult. A responsible idol. For once. Just like what everyone tells him he has to be.

Ritsu clings tightly to Mao. Almost like a cat.

It’s not irresponsible to fall in love. It’s not irresponsible to want to be with someone. It’s not irresponsible to want to hold hands and kiss during dates. It’s not irresponsible to want to laugh and act lovey-dovey regardless of who is watching. It’s not irresponsible to want these kinds of things, right?

_ It shouldn’t be, right? _

Ritsu doesn’t even want to look at Mao. It’s embarrassing. Ritsu is embarrassing.

“ _ Ritchan _ .”

Mao whispers it so softly, Ritsu can’t help but follow Mao’s fingers as they tilt Ritsu’s head upwards. Ritsu can’t help but feel guilty whenever Mao kisses Ritsu softly like this. It’s unfair, honestly. Doesn’t Mao know that these stupid childish kisses are the cause as to why they’re stuck in this messy situation? Did Mao really forget?

“ _ No one can really stop us here. _ ”

Ritsu can barely protest Mao. There’s barely a gap for Ritsu to breathe. Mao holds Ritsu tightly as he kisses deeply. Ritsu takes deep breaths as he feels Mao press his forehead against Ritsu’s.

_ It’s not fair. _ Really, it isn’t.

Ritsu doesn’t really know  _ what _ exactly he is calling unfair. He just feels like  _ everything _ is unfair.

People are unfair. Thanks to them, Ritsu feels like every move he makes is a mistake. Nothing feels like a good choice. Ritsu doesn’t know what to do. This relationship is a mess, thanks to everything around them. Ritsu doesn’t know if it’s a good idea for them to keep dating. People want them to be far apart from each other. _ Don’t you dare touch Mao again _ ―Ritsu has heard that before. Countless times. Ritsu has lost count.

Mao is unfair because he can still kiss Ritsu endlessly, tricking him into believing that they’re not in danger. That Ritsu can love him out in the open. That Ritsu wasn’t at fault for wanting to be a little selfish. All of that buzzing from their phones is nothing important. All they should be focusing is on each other as they get undressed.

There’s nothing to hide when they’re here.

Ritsu knows that but yet he feels kind of gross in front of Mao when he’s naked. Though Mao has seen this body  _ countless times _ , Ritsu can’t help but wonder if Mao really wants him. Does he really want someone like Ritsu? Is Mao sure he wants Ritsu? Ritsu finds himself comparing his body to Mao as he watches Mao take his clothes off.

Mao is pretty toned. Can’t be helped. Mao works out pretty often. Ritsu heard him mention that he was picking up kickboxing with a couple of their friends. Ritsu is jealous of Mao’s efforts in getting such a good-looking body. Ritsu isn’t good at putting in the same effort as him. It sucks because Ritsu feels like a bag of bones next to Mao. The fact that Mao wants Ritsu even when Ritsu looks like this, Ritsu can’t help but question Mao’s priority on appearance.

Ritsu’s jealousy for Mao’s body isn’t as much as his sun-kissed skin, though. Ritsu’s skin is  _ so goddamn disgusting _ next to Mao. Not like it wasn’t disgusting enough on its own. It’s sickly pale. Dull. Grey. The uncomfortable kind. When it’s next to Mao’s, it almost looks dead. It’s almost as if Mao is fucking a goddamn corpse. Why would he want that? Ritsu doesn’t know. Maybe the dude is secretly into dead bodies. Ritsu doesn’t know.

All Ritsu knows is that he’s fucking hideous next to Mao.

It sucks because Ritsu doesn’t need to be told that he’s hideous next to Mao. He doesn’t need to be told that he doesn’t deserve Mao. He doesn’t need people to chase after him with pitchforks over how Mao should leave Ritsu. He doesn’t need people to personally message him to remind him about that.  _ He knows it already _ .

  
  
  


“ _ Ritsu. _ ” 

  
  
  


Mao’s voice cuts through all those worries as he holds Ritsu’s face. He kisses Ritsu so softly, Ritsu hates how much he doesn’t deserve this. It sucks that no matter how much Mao kisses and hugs Ritsu, it doesn’t stop the guilt Ritsu has from bubbling over. Why does Ritsu ruin everything? Why can’t Ritsu stop messing things up for once? Was it so hard for Ritsu to stop himself from getting in trouble?

Ritsu hates how none of their dates are going as well as they used to. Ritsu hates how Mao spends more time trying to stop these messages from getting into Ritsu’s head than anything else. Ritsu hates how he spends more time crying than actually spending time with Mao. It’s driving him up the wall that he’s doing all of this. It’s stupid and cowardly that Ritsu can’t do anything else but cry and whine about this mess.

  
  
  


_ Ritsu ruined it.  _

  
  
  


They were supposed to be kissing and touching each other but instead, Mao is comforting Ritsu through his tears. They were supposed to have sex―That’s entire point as to why they were taking off their clothes. They were supposed to be whisking away all of this accumulated fear and pretend like nothing else matters but them. That was the entire point as to why Ritsu is at Mao’s house.

Yet here Ritsu was, staring blankly into space in Mao’s shirt and his underwear as Mao made something in the kitchen. Honestly, Ritsu is a coward.

Mao doesn’t blame Ritsu, though. If anything, Mao just turns off their phones and hopes that Ritsu can drown in regret as Mao makes him something to eat. Though Ritsu knows the frustration that Mao has isn’t directed to Ritsu, it can’t be helped that Mao’s getting tired of having to deal with this  _ every single time _ .

A part of Ritsu feels worried that Mao is going to leave him. Another part of Ritsu feels as though he deserves it. All he does is exhaust Mao now. Mao doesn’t deserve this, Ritsu finds himself echoing phrases he finds plastered all over his phone. They all carry the same tune, though. Ma-kun doesn’t deserve the shit he goes through.

“You know I should probably tell them to fuck off already.”

Before Mao can even continue angrily ranting about how insensitive some people are, Ritsu begs him not to. Ritsu is too nice. People are lucky that Ritsu is just  _ too nice. _ As tired as Mao is, he can’t help but hate that the one who’s facing the brunt of this mess is Ritsu. The ratio between those who are congratulating  _ just Mao _ and those who are telling Ritsu to go kill himself is pathetically disproportionate. Even if it weren’t, it can’t be helped that Ritsu is drowning in all of this worry.

Even behind closed doors, Ritsu is afraid of loving Mao.

Ritsu gets worried when Mao tries to reach for his hands when they meet each other at the studios. Ritsu gets worried about how he should interact with Mao on camera and off camera. Ritsu gets worried on how he should greet people when he’s talking with Mao. Ritsu can barely focus on acting like himself when  _ too many people _ have their eyes on him.

It’s ridiculous. Really, Mao hates this so fucking much.

“Just how long more are you going to let them do this to you?” Mao asks as he crouches down to look up at Ritsu. Just how long more does Ritsu want to endure this kind of treatment? Doesn’t Ritsu know that it pisses off Mao that only Ritsu is getting hit over the head for wanting to be in a relationship? Mao doesn’t understand why Ritsu is the only one that is being blamed for it all.

_ It’s not Mao’s fault _ ―Just what kind of relationship does everyone think this is?

Not Mao’s fault but somehow it’s Ritsu’s? Don’t be ridiculous. Do people think Ritsu would force Mao into a relationship? Ritsu can barely force himself to get up in the morning. What makes people think Ritsu could force someone into a relationship with him? It kind of makes Mao want to laugh a little. Just what kind of fucked up logic do people have on idols? Mao will never understand people like that.

Mao sighs as Ritsu averts his gaze from him. Mao doesn’t want to wait anymore. The more they pretend that this will blow over, the worse this ridiculous punishment Ritsu is facing will become. The comments will just get worse and worse. The amount of people bothering Ritsu will just increase. Don’t act like Mao doesn’t know what everyone has been saying about Ritsu. Mao knows and he hates how they claim to be protecting Mao but are doing very much the opposite. What a bunch of tyrants.

“ _ Ritsu would look better if he were dead, right? _ ”

God, can Mao report this kind of comment? Surely, his company will tell him not to make so much of a fuss.

“ _ Isara-kun must be pity-dating this guy―No way is Isara-kun dating this person seriously lolol _ ”

Pity-dating is the worst description Mao has seen of their relationship. Pity-dating. That’s what they think Mao is doing to Ritsu. They can’t even fathom the idea that Mao actually loves Ritsu unconditionally. It’s kind of terrifying how that’s people’s first idea of their relationship.

“ _ Why don’t you kill yourself already? We already know you don’t do much in Knights lmao _ ”

Mao remembered staring at this particular message on Ritsu’s phone. Mao has seen many similar ones before this. People keep saying those types of things, don’t they? Ritsu doesn’t do much in Knights. The only reason why Ritsu is popular is all because his brother is pretty famous, isn’t it? They call him a freeloader because of it. People  _ know _ Ritsu but don’t really  _ like _ Ritsu. At this point, people never will. Ritsu’s name has been dissolved into nothing but  _ Mao’s boyfriend _ .

All Mao can do is sigh. Even though he offered Ritsu to stay at his place for the weekend, it almost feels like Ritsu is going to leave tomorrow.

Mao pulls Ritsu closer to him. Personally, he doesn’t want the next day to arrive any time soon. He wants Ritsu to stay with him. He wants to be selfish and keep Ritsu entirely to himself. That sounds terrible, a part of Mao scolds. He knows it is. Yet, he can’t help it. He wants Ritsu all to himself. He doesn’t want anyone touching Ritsu anymore.

All people ever do is break Ritsu. 

“ _ I think it’s best we break up― _ ”

Mao hates that.

“ _ Are you seriously buying into that  _ **_bullshit_ ** _?! _ ”

Ritsu thins his lips. Mao hates that this is what their relationship has become. It’s turned into a big mess. Ritsu buys into the words of those he doesn’t know more than he can ever with Mao’s own words. Mao can’t believe this. Mao  _ loathes _ the damage caused. He  _ really _ doesn’t want to get mad at Ritsu. It’s not Ritsu’s fault. None of this should be Ritsu’s fault  _ but _ Mao can’t just pretend like he isn’t fed up with how Ritsu is willing to throw everything away because people tell him to.

Even then, Mao can’t say that aloud.

Mao can only hug Ritsu tightly and mumble his apologies for raising his voice. He knows Ritsu is just barely able to make a decision without weighing out the public response. Mao kind of hates how Ritsu has to calculate every move he makes.

It’s not like Mao doesn’t do it either. Mao thinks about it too.

How would people act if Mao spoke about Ritsu happily in public? 

How would people act if Mao held Ritsu’s hand? 

How would people act if Mao hugged Ritsu? 

How would people act if Mao kissed Ritsu?

How would people act if Mao _ loved _ Ritsu?

Mao has thought about it too. Mao has worried about it too. Mao has blamed himself for this too. Mao has spent nights, wondering if he should see Ritsu but reluctantly stops himself. Afraid that someone will catch Mao and blast him for wanting to be with Ritsu. Afraid that someone will follow Mao and hurt Ritsu while they’re at it. It’s exhausting. 

Mao has received enough fanmail, begging him to stop being with Ritsu. They always try to say it as nicely as possible. Even then, Mao can read their intent loud and clear underneath the hearts and soft wording.

Do they do the same to Ritsu? Do they ask Ritsu as nicely as this?

Mao can’t even touch Ritsu’s wrists anymore. Ritsu won’t let him. What did they do to you, Ritchan? Why won’t you let Mao see your injuries? Let Mao help.  _ Please _ .

Ritsu leaves after dinner. He apologises for not being able to stay over like Mao wanted him to. Mao tries not to pressure Ritsu. It’s not his fault for not wanting to stay. All Mao can offer is a drive home.

Mao doesn’t want Ritsu to go home on his own. God knows what can happen if Ritsu steps outside of the building on his own. Mao doesn’t want to think about it at all.

Though Ritsu tries to refuse at first, he gives in anyway. Mao understands why. That topic will just resurface. It’s honestly crazy that their relationship is dissolving in this mess. Neither of them want to be mad but they can’t help it. Everything around them is pulling them apart in such an uncomfortable way.

Mao is mad but who can he be mad at?

“I’m sorry.”

Ritsu is mad but who can he be mad at?

“Don’t be.”

_ Neither of them want the blame. _

Mao can tell Ritsu is dripping in guilt. Mao understands why. Not only are fans mad at Ritsu. Mao acted like he was too. Even though he wasn’t. He was just frustrated and worried. Ritsu shouldn’t be acting like this is all Ritsu’s fault. There’s no need for Ritsu to take all of the punishments hurled at him. This shouldn’t be an issue. They shouldn’t have to deal with all of this.

Even then, who is going to take the blame? Mao has no idea. If Mao tries to take the blame, everyone rushes in to tell him it isn’t his fault. They try to pluck Mao out of the situation. They call him kind and sweet for wanting to take the blame when all Mao is doing is taking responsibility. What did they expect Mao to do? Watch Ritsu crumble under all that pressure alone? How cruel do they think Mao is?

Mao kisses Ritsu right before he steps out of the car.

“Tell me if anything goes wrong, okay?” Mao knows that this foolish promise is unnecessary but he can’t help it. He’s worried. He’s scared. Ritsu won’t tell him anything. Not even Knights know what is going on in his head anymore. Piecing Ritsu is getting harder and harder as time goes by.

Mao is just afraid.

_ Mao doesn’t want Ritsu to leave him unexpectedly. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this particular chapter was a mess to edit _but_ it's fun to read which is only fun if you're not the author of this fucking fic (can you tell that im angry at myself for formatting the fic like this)  
> tbh this particular chapter was supposed to be _longer_ but i cut it due to how wonky that'll make the length of the other chapters (ofc if it goes through editing, it has more paragraphs than it originally had bc i am stupid like that) so yes  
> as usual, thank you for reading!!  
> (tell me that this is a dumb idea on my twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))


	3. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is all over the place.
> 
> Nothing is right. There’s no one to blame. There’s no one willing to take the blame.
> 
> Everything is _so goddamn overwhelming._ Mao feels his head wanting to burst from all of this pressure.
> 
> I’m sorry, Ritchan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: (abt the prev chap) oh man this is a little _too long_ i gotta cut it  
> me: (editing this chap) wh why is this so fucking long
> 
> anyway (sips on coffee) maoritsu angst is good i feed myself all the time (self-sufficient)  
> lots of pov change between mao and ritsu so it might came off as a little choppy soz  
> on the other note, this is the chapter w attempted suicide and overall _just very fucking depressing_ so fair warning (heed it)  
> i hope you enjoy!!

No matter how much Mao wants something, reality will give Mao something else. If Mao wants time with Ritsu, he’ll be swamped with more work. If Mao wants to talk to Ritsu, he’ll be swamped with messages from people he doesn’t care about. Mao can’t even think about Ritsu without being told by the rest of the world that he shouldn’t be doing that.

That’s not what Mao should want. That’s not what people want Mao to want.

Mao can’t even dream about Ritsu in peace. 

Dreams that of Ritsu laughing softly next to him in bed. Dreams where all that matters was Ritsu’s pouts and whines while wearing clothes that only Mao wants to see. The ones where all Mao can do is focus on Ritsu which is all he really wants. They get disturbed by people scolding him and shaming him for wanting to be anywhere near Ritsu. They always leave Mao waking up in the middle of night because all he could hear was Ritsu being forced to leave him. After all, that’s the entire point of this mess, right? 

Even his own dreams get disrupted by people telling him that the thought of wanting to be with Ritsu is the wrong thing to do.

How dreadful. Mao swears this is driving him insane.

It’s not like his company isn’t helping. It’s not like Trickstar aren’t trying their best to stop it. They’re trying their best. They seriously are. Knights too. It’s not like no one they’re close to opposes their relationship. Mao is glad for that. He’s thankful for it.

Really. He’s glad that he has friends that are supporting him and Ritsu.

It’s just―All of that noise gets easily drowned out by everyone else. To an extent, Mao understands why Ritsu is afraid. Don’t get Mao wrong. Ritsu is afraid for  _ very valid reasons _ but Mao just wished Ritsu could ignore them. Mao just wished Ritsu could actually admit his annoyance and fatigue over this mess. Mao just wished Ritsu wasn’t cowering in fear over this mess and will tell people to fuck off already.

That’s easier said than done, though.

Mao is aware that it’s selfish of him to want Ritsu to do all of that. Mao knows Ritsu is barely able to keep himself above water. Ritsu is struggling to his feet, he can barely stand without someone knocking him over with more and more cruel comments. It’s honestly scary.

It’s not like Mao doesn’t get them either. They just don’t accumulate as much as Ritsu’s. Mao has too many fans asking him to leave Ritsu or telling him why he shouldn’t be with Ritsu. Some might throw in a distasteful joke about how Mao should date them instead of Ritsu. Some might post a video of them burning merchandise with Mao’s face on it. Some even send Mao long messages, moaning how they hate Mao for  _ betraying  _ them. Mao honestly doesn’t understand what they want Mao to do.

Leave Ritsu? Mao isn’t going to do that. Be responsible for wanting to date Ritsu? Then let him. Stop trying to pull Mao out of the scandal. It shouldn’t be a scandal, in the first place.

Mao hits his head against the table.

“You’re drowning in your thoughts again,” Hokuto scolds him.

Mao groans. Yea, thanks for being Captain Obvious. Mao doesn’t need to be told that. It’s hard not to. Mao has been trying to but he fails every time he’s left alone with his thoughts for too long.

These past 2 months have been driving Mao crazy.

The fanmeet tour is driving Mao crazy. The interviews are driving Mao crazy. The shows that Mao is forced to attend is driving him up the fucking wall. It’s not Mao’s fault that he’s getting snappy at anyone who tries to push an answer out of him regarding Ritsu. It’s not Mao’s fault for trying to push  _ their _ buttons when they try to push  _ Mao’s _ buttons. Did you think Mao was going to pretend like his relationship with Ritsu doesn’t exist? Did they want Mao to be the easily flustered red-head everyone adored him as?

Tough luck. Mao is fucking tired of this mess. He has no time to be embarrassed.

People who make it their livelihood to poke into people’s lives are one problem, fans are another.

Throughout this entire tour, Mao has lost count of the terrible post-it notes he has seen pasted on the fans Q&A board. Do they have any tact? Do they have any shame? Mao is starting to doubt that. Not only that, they do it even after the fanmeet. They continue to tweet and pester Mao about how much they dislike Ritsu. They whine and moan about how Ritsu isn’t the right person. Mao should date someone else. All that useless junk.

Mao sighs. It’s hopeless. They’re going to keep spamming Mao with these messages. Mao has to live with it until their relationship dies.

Not like it’s not on the brink of death, anyway.

How is Ritsu anyway? Mao hasn’t been able to talk to Ritsu for the past 2 months. God knows what happened to Ritsu. Mao trusts Knights but Arashi mentioned how worried she has been lately. If Ritsu won’t even admit to Arashi and Mika, what are the chances of anyone else knowing what is going on in that lonely apartment of his? Mao can’t help but feel a swell of guilt when he thinks about that.

He’s been away from Ritsu for so long. Mao doesn’t like that.

The distance between him and Ritsu has grown far too much. It leaves him uneasy.

What are you doing right now, Ritchan? Mao can’t help but want to ask that.

  
  
  


_ Ah. _

  
  
  


_ He really regrets asking such a question. _

  
  
  


Maybe if Mao spoke a little louder, Ritsu wouldn’t have done this. Maybe if Mao threw a bigger tantrum, people would leave Ritsu alone. Maybe if the companies were stricter about the rules, Ritsu and Mao wouldn’t have done this. Maybe if Mao had just listened to the fans and broken up with Ritsu, things wouldn’t escalate to this.

Mao grips tightly to the steering wheel.

Even then, Mao doesn’t want that.

Mao doesn’t want companies to be stricter with dating. Mao doesn’t want to be dictated by others on whether or not he can date Ritsu. Mao doesn’t want people to tell him how he should live his life. Mao doesn’t want any of that. Mao isn’t a child. Mao is an adult. He can make decisions by himself. No one needs to have a say in  _ everything  _ Mao does. He can be selfish if he wants to.

At the same time, Mao can’t be selfish anymore.

  
  
  


_ Ritchan: I’m sorry for not being good enough… _

  
  
  


Ritsu was already at his limit.

  
  
  


_ Ritchan: I really tried to apologise properly this time _

  
  
  


Ritsu couldn’t take it anymore.

  
  
  


_ Ritchan: but I think I’m at my limit Ma-kun _

  
  
  


Ritsu needed Mao.

  
  
  


_ Ritchan: I still love you but Ma-kun shouldn’t be with me _

  
  
  


Mao should have done better. Mao should have kept his phone on him at all times. Mao should have checked his phone at every given moment.

Mao should have known Ritsu was going to do this. Mao should have known that. Is it worth saying  _ I love you _ to someone who spent every aching moment  _ away _ from you? Ritsu is the one who deserved better. Mao should be the one telling Ritsu that he deserves better. Not Ritsu. Mao shouldn’t have been so selfish.

Ritsu shouldn’t have been pushed to the limit.

Ritsu shouldn’t have done that livestream. Ritsu shouldn’t have begged for forgiveness from those that scorn him and ask him to kill himself as an apology. Ritsu shouldn’t have cried in front of thousands of people, admitting that he’s at his very limit. Ritsu shouldn’t have mentioned that he doesn’t know what to do. Ritsu shouldn’t have to embarrass himself like that.

Of course, nobody took it seriously.

Of course, people took this as a chance to push him further and further.

Of course, Ritsu didn’t want to do it but he didn’t want to be here anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. He begged Mao to help him and Mao was cold enough to not glance at his phone.

“ _ Ritsu! _ ”

There’s no point in shouting and stumbling into Ritsu’s apartment. The mess can be cleaned later. The plants can be rearranged later. The letters can be thrown later. The blood can be cleaned later. The razors can be carefully removed later. The sleeping pills and the alcohol can be put away later. Everything can be cleaned and arranged later.

All that matters right now is Ritsu.

_ Just Ritsu. _

Mao is sorry. Mao shouldn’t have been cruel to Ritsu. Mao should have texted Ritsu everyday. Mao should have clung harder to Ritsu than before. Mao should have screamed and shouted at people for trying to separate them. Mao should have stayed with Ritsu. Mao should have been stubborn with Ritsu, forcing him into Ritsu’s space. Mao should have showered Ritsu with more love than he could ever provide.

  
  
  


Mao isn’t a good boyfriend at all. Mao is a terrible person.

  
  
  


_ Ping. _

  
  
  


Mao is just lucky that people like him despite how terrible he is.

  
  
  


_ Ping. Ping. _

  
  
  


Mao is just lucky that his friends haven’t left him despite all the words he can throw at them.

  
  
  


_ Ping. Ping. Ping. _

  
  
  


Mao is just lucky that Ritsu loves him so much. Ritsu can forgive Mao for anything.

  
  
  


_ Ping. Ping. Ping. Ping. _

  
  
  


Mao can only stare at Ritsu’s phone as it illuminates every few seconds of rest that sits comfortably on the bedside of Ritsu’s hospital bed. He doesn’t want to look at it. He can hear his own phones vibrate relentlessly in his pocket. It’s driving him up the wall.  _ He swears. _ Not only Ritsu is at his goddamn limit. Mao is too.

Thank God, Ritsu’s dad is a doctor. Thank God, Ritsu’s dad pities Mao enough to let him stay. Typically, that man would remove Mao  _ completely _ from Ritsu. Especially with how critical Ritsu is at the moment, Mao  _ deserves _ to be away from Ritsu. Even with that kind of track of mind, Ritsu’s dad lets him stay because he knows Mao is scared. Mao is worried. It’s clear in his worn-out face and the way his legs jitters uncomfortably as he stares at Ritsu.

“I’ll give everyone else a call―Just don’t trash the place.”

Mao nods as he feels Ritsu’s dad give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Get rest, Ritsu’s dad adds. Mao looks like he needs it. Maybe he does. He did drive from the last livehouse  _ straight _ to Ritsu’s apartment. Hoping to God that Ritsu wasn’t gone. The adrenaline and fear in him drained every bit of energy in him.

Even then, he didn’t want to take his eyes away from Ritsu.

Ritsu who was  _ finally _ sleeping in peace.

It’s so goddamn peaceful, Mao can’t help but feel pissed off. The fact that it took Ritsu  _ attempting to kill himself _ to wear such a peaceful sleeping face. Mao can’t help but feel disgusted by everyone. Mao can’t help but feel a little disgusted by himself too.

It’s terrible. It’s gross.

None of them deserved Ritsu. Nobody. Not even Mao.

Mao turns on Ritsu’s phone. The password isn’t difficult. It’s easy.

_ 0316 _ .

Mao feels himself dread at the messages.

  
Threats. They really have done it.

Threats. They threatened Ritsu. They threatened to kill Knights. They threatened to kill Rei. They threatened to kill anyone Ritsu loved. They wanted Ritsu to suffer so much. All because Ritsu is dating Mao.

It makes Mao want to laugh bitterly.

Why would you go to that extent? What is so funny about hurting someone or threatening to hurt someone they love? Mao doesn’t understand people at all. Though, Mao has realised that. The further this situation escalates, the harder it is for Mao to understand people.  _ Especially those who claim to love Mao. _

If you loved Mao, you would have let Mao date Ritsu. Why do you want to keep Mao all to yourself? Wasn’t part of liking your idol is to feel happy whenever they mention something that makes them happy? Why do fans like to act like they own Mao? What’s so good about doing that? Mao never understood that aspect of being an idol. It’s gross.

Though, Mao can’t understand why he wants to be an idol anymore.

Mao loves his job. He really does. He likes writing songs. Performing them. Having fun on stage. Making people smile with everything he can give. Making people laugh with everything he can do. It’s fun to do everything that makes an idol,  _ an idol _ . Mao enjoys every bit of being an idol. It’s such a fun job  _ but _ Mao hates all of this baggage that comes with it.

Mao is at his limit. Mao is at his  _ very fucking limit. _

It’s not like Mao hasn’t told people to fuck off. It’s not like Mao hasn’t told his own fans how much he actually dislikes the title,  _ The Nation’s boyfriend _ . It’s not like Mao hasn’t warned people about how he can never view his own fans as his partner. It’s not like Mao hasn’t said  _ anything _ regarding dating.

Mao has said all of those things. Mao has said it  _ loud and clear _ . Way before Mao and Ritsu even considered dating too. 

It’s just that no one listened. No one took it seriously. They brushed it off as Mao being shady or funny. It’s honestly frustrating when Mao thinks about that kind of reaction. It pisses Mao off so much.

“ _ Now that Ritsu-kun isn’t worth keeping, Mao-kun is finally single❤ ” _

Gross. Why are they saying like Mao wouldn’t want to date Ritsu anymore because he attempted suicide? Do they think Mao is the type to date  _ clean _ people? What kind of fucked up logic is that? Not only is that terrible, it implies that people like Ritsu don’t deserve love too. Mao can’t help but feel grossed out when he sees tweets like that.

“ _ Why date a suicidal dramatic bitch, when you can date me?? Text me, Ma-kun ❤ ” _

No. Don’t ever use Mao’s nickname from Ritsu like that. Don’t even use it in general. It’s not for the fans to use, it’s only for Ritsu. Actually, just delete this entire tweet. Don’t ever try to mention Mao again. It’s gross. It really is. From the fact that they described Ritsu based on his actions to the usage of Ritsu’s nickname for Mao, he can’t help but feel grossed out. Mao wished he was able to block people like this.

“ _ Mao is finally free! I hope Ritsu really doesn’t make it! _ ”

What is wrong with people who make these kinds of comments? Someone is dying and all they’re concerned about is whether Mao gets to be single again? They don’t see the problem, don’t they? They don’t realise what they’ve done, huh? Mao hates that. Mao hates that they could simply say these things and not think once about how terrified Mao feels right now.

Do they really care about Mao?

Mao sighs as he lies on the empty bed. Mao thanks the hospital for stuffing them into a private room. Mao is glad that they know Mao needs the rest too. If they hooked him up to machines the next morning because he looked like he was on the verge of death, Mao would  _ seriously  _ appreciate it. No kidding. Mao might need it, actually.

He watches Ritsu breathe carefully. Only the sight of his chest going up and down slowly is keeping Mao at bay.

God, Mao can only pray that Ritsu is going to be okay.

Mao wakes up to the uncomfortable sight of Ritsu’s dad having coffee and reading the newspaper in their room. He isn’t bothered but he doesn’t like it either. It’s just a strange sight to wake up to. Honestly, Mao doesn’t even know what to do. Should he greet him? Should he consider falling back asleep and ignore that? Mao doesn’t know.

“You forgot to sleep with your blanket on, you’ll get a cold.”

Huh? Mao looks down to find the blanked neatly on him. Oh, Mao got tucked in. Oh, well thanks. 

Mao is 22 but he can still get tucked in. This is a very awkward situation to be in. That’s something Mao didn’t expect to happen but since it happened, he can’t exactly ignore it. Right. Uh. Might as well give his thanks.  _ Yeah. _

Even after all that floundering around Mao’s thanks, Ritsu’s dad only nods and continues sipping on his coffee. God, Mao wished this wasn’t awkward.

Ritsu’s dad has always been a rather silent man. He’s a bit like Ritsu, Mao might say. Not a lot of words but a lot of thoughts. Mao isn’t awkward with him anymore but this is a  _ very _ foreign situation for both of them. Mao hasn’t been in a situation similar to this since he was a kid. It shouldn’t bother Mao but  _ it does _ .

Mao spends breakfast with Ritsu’s dad.

Not hospital food. Home-cooked food. From Ritsu’s family. Ritsu’s dad packed food for Mao.

Mao can’t tell if it’s stress accumulating in him or the fear that Ritsu might not wake up. Maybe both. All he knows is that he’s crying. He feels bad for crying. He feels like his tears are going to ruin the meal that Ritsu’s dad packed for him.

“It’s not wrong to cry,” Mao’s dad says as he pours tea for Mao in a mug.

Mao knows that but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to cry but he can’t help it. Mao is tired. Mao is stressed out. Mao is worried. Mao is scared. He doesn’t know what to do. What is he going to do if Ritsu doesn’t wake up? What is he going to say if he’s asked about Ritsu? How is he going to accept Ritsu never waking up? Mao doesn’t know what to do if that happens. Mao doesn’t want that to happen. Even then, he can’t confidently assume Ritsu will wake up.

Especially whenever he thinks about the state Ritsu was in.

There was blood everywhere. The apartment was a mess. Everything was scattered. Ritsu clearly wasn’t okay. Ritsu clearly wasn’t conscious anymore. Mao was scared. Mao didn’t know what to do. Mao felt helpless throughout the entire situation. He could only hope Ritsu was still breathing when he brought him to the hospital. He could only feel fear and anxiety build in him as he was questioned by the nurses and police.

At that very moment, Mao knew he was at his limit. He couldn’t take this pain anymore.

Seeing Ritsu like that scared him. Mao couldn’t handle all of this attention at all.

_ It was overwhelming. _

Ritsu’s dad nodded as he listened to Mao’s cries. As strange and distant it felt, Mao needed it. Mao needed that distance more than ever. Mao needed that weird lack of proper attention. It made things easier to explain. Mao doesn’t know why.

Mao sips his tea through sniffles as Ritsu’s dad makes a mention of how Mao should be hospitalised or taken off of work for a while too. He needs the rest. Mao laughs hoarsely as Ritsu’s dad talks about how getting Mao away from work is very much like taking Ritsu’s mom or Rei away from work,  _ such a thing is merely impossible _ .

Mao is aware that Ritsu’s dad is serious, though.

Both Ritsu and Mao are at their limit because they continued working with all of that weight on the back. Mao, especially. He kept working even though he was incessantly questioned and teased about Ritsu. He kept working and facing fans, pretending like he didn’t know about all of that gross treatment they threw at Ritsu behind his back. He kept working, probably thinking to himself that maybe this will blow over but  _ it didn’t _ .

Mao is overworked. Simple as that.

Mao needs the rest. No questions. No arguments.

Rest. Just go to bed. Eat a home-cooked meal. Play video games. Read a comic book. Consider taking up a new hobby. Just do anything that isn’t work.

Ritsu’s dad is aware it’s not good advice but _consider_ _it._ Take the time off.

“I can’t scold you so much for overworking as I’m overworked myself  _ but _ rest while you can, you need it―Not to mention, you do know Ritsu hates it when you overwork yourself,” Ritsu’s dad warns as he proceeds to take his leave. Mao stutters out a nod as he watches the older man exit the room.

After that exit, Mao is left with his thoughts and the insensitive pinging from the phones. Mao doesn’t want to look at them. It’ll just do the opposite effect Ritsu’s dad had on Mao earlier. Not exactly what he wants in his current position.

Speaking of which, where are the phones? Mao thought he placed them next to Ritsu earlier.

Oh. Ritsu’s dad really took care of them, huh? The phones were neatly arranged and charging in the corner of the room. Mao can also see a new set of clothes and toiletries for Mao to use neatly arranged on a table. He didn’t have to go that far. Surely, Mao will only receive a pat on the head and a simple  _ You need it _ as an answer. Though he says that, Mao kind of believes that Ritsu’s dad has been trying to lure Mao into finally marrying Ritsu. Please wait a little longer. They’ve only been dating for a year.

Mao slips out of bed. Guess he’ll take a bath first.

This entire morning has been a bit of a fever dream, honestly. First, he wakes up to Ritsu’s dad greeting him and feeding him breakfast. Second, he is provided with everything he needs to take care of himself in the morning. Now, he’s just awkwardly sitting on his bed with a towel around his neck as he watches Ritsu breathing quietly. He really didn’t expect this kind of thing to happen at all. The only part of this mess was the hospital setting. Had this all been at either of their houses, Mao would probably feel  _ a little bit more awkward _ than now.

Every once in a while, he gets a weird urge to check the phones. He’s been trying not to. He wants to follow Ritsu’s dad's advice. As stupid as it seems to try it  _ immediately _ .

Things don’t work that way, though. Mao gives in anyway. He really can’t run away from work.

Of course, Mao is met with Ritsu’s suicide attempt plastered everywhere on the news. The comments are mixed, oddly enough. Some are taken aback and realising that it wasn’t a morbid joke anymore. Some are rejoicing over the fact that Ritsu  _ listened for once _ . Some are weeping and scared. Scare of what? Repercussions maybe. They did contribute to this choice Ritsu made. Mao kind of wants them to grovel in regret but it doesn’t seem like some have realised that yet.

Mao manages to distract himself by talking to people. He fills in everyone about Ritsu’s current condition. Everyone tells Mao to take care of himself. They tell him not to stress himself out, especially with how Ritsu is. Mao knows that.

The messages are sweet but he’ll be okay. If Ritsu turns out fine, Mao will be fine.

Though, Mao is a little worried. How long has Ritsu been like that? How many hours has it been? Mao doesn’t know. Time is a difficult concept to grasp when all you feel is fear. Mao doubts it has been that long, though. It couldn’t have been more than 6 hours, right?

Mao’s worry gets cut short when Ritsu makes a noise. It leaves Mao scrambling to Ritsu.

Thank God. 

Ritsu’s awake. Ritsu is waking up.  _ God. _ Mao can’t help but shake a little when he sees Ritsu’s head toss and turn a little.

“ _ Ritchan! _ ”

Mao might have been a little too loud but he doesn’t care. All that matters is Ritsu. All that matters is Ritsu blearily opening his eyes and uttering  _ Ma-kun _ in that stupid confused voice of his. Yea, it’s Ma-kun. Ritchan’s Ma-kun is here.

Mao hates how Ritsu’s face twists into a frown. There’s a look of embarrassment and anger in Ritsu’s face. Why is that?

Before Ritsu can even admit anything to Mao, the nurses rush in. Mao doesn’t try to argue with the nurses, he knows his place. Ritsu deserves to be taken care of. Either way, he can’t help but feel disappointed in the nurses’ poor timing. Maybe it’s Mao’s own poor timing too. Ritsu’s as well. Mao can only sigh as he watches Ritsu stutter out answers when the nurses ask him important questions.

They only get personal space  _ after _ Ritsu’s family leaves. They storm in and shower Ritsu with worry. It takes Ritsu  _ 1 whole hour _ to convince them that he’s okay. Of course, they don’t believe in Ritsu. Mao doesn’t either. Rei kept faking a weep as Ritsu made choking gestures. Their mom faked a weep too but she was more insistent on Ritsu leaving New Dimension which was something Ritsu did not want to do. At least, that’s what Mao thinks they’re talking about. Mao could barely keep up with the conversation.

Mao sighed as he closed the door behind him.

“Your mom seemed pretty livid.”

Ritsu rests his chin against his hand.

“She’s your mom too,  _ technically _ .”

Mao chuckles. Is she considered an in-law already? Or is that more of Ritsu’s family and their weird imaginations on them getting married? Ritsu shakes his head as he laughs. Ritsu has no idea which one it is. He just knows Ritsu’s mom calls herself Mao's mother-in-law for  _ some odd reason. _

It’s hard for this silence to be comfortable. There’s too much to be talked about. There’s too little time for them to solve it altogether. Mao hates that, to be honest.

  
  
  


“ _ Ma-kun― _ ”

“ _ Ritchan― _ ”

  
  
  


Ah. Mao pauses, hoping Ritsu understood that Ritsu should speak first but it seemed the other was stupid enough to do the same. It’s funny, honestly. The way they do try to urge the other to speak first. Mao wants to laugh as Ritsu pouts cutely.

It makes Mao forget of the situation they’re in a little.

Come on, Ritchan. Mao knows Ritsu deserves to speak more than Mao. Just spit it out already.

Ritsu smiles as Mao stares at him. That stupid stubborn look Mao always pulls when he refuses Ritsu, he can’t help but miss it. Ritsu misses the feeling of Mao’s hand in his as Mao urges Ritsu to talk to him. It’s hard to not want to cry when Mao does that.

God, Ritsu must look pathetic right now.

Mao doesn’t seem to mind it, though. Mao lets Ritsu sob on him as he tries to explain how lonely he felt. Ritsu was scared and tired. Ritsu was lost. Ritsu didn’t know what to do. It’s honestly shameful that Ritsu could only think such crude thoughts. Ritsu feels a little embarrassed that the only solution Ritsu could think of was suicide. It’s terrible. Ritsu felt selfish for wanting to take himself away from Mao.

It’s just―Ritsu couldn’t help it. Ritsu felt alone.

Mao never replied. Mao was busy. Mao kept his phone off. Ritsu couldn’t get through Mao at all. Ritsu felt selfish for wanting Mao to look at him even though Ritsu knew how busy Mao was. Ritsu felt annoying for wanting to keep Mao all to himself. Ritsu felt stupid for wanting to be in a relationship with Mao.

It’s not like Ritsu could check his phone that often either.

All Ritsu could ever see on his lockscreen was nothing but threats. All Ritsu could ever hear was people tell him that he doesn’t deserve Mao. All Ritsu could hear was people pressuring Ritsu to do something he doesn’t want to.

“I was at my limit, Ma-kun.” Ritsu held tightly to Mao’s hand as he spoke about how he actually believed that he didn’t deserve Mao. It made sense, after all. Look at Mao. Someone like him wouldn’t want someone like Ritsu. Someone like Mao deserves somebody better than Ritsu. Look at Ritsu. He’s selfish. He’s ugly. He’s gross. He’s annoying. He’s stupid. Nothing good comes out of his mouth.

Maybe Ritsu wanted some form of closure. Maybe Ritsu was that far past his limit. Maybe Ritsu felt irresponsible for not  _ apologising _ any time sooner. Ritsu doesn’t know, to be honest.

The livestream was a mess. Ritsu cried. Ritsu begged for forgiveness. The lack of pity was honestly remarkable. Ritsu didn’t think people could hate Ritsu that much. If Ritsu wasn’t at the brink of sanity, Ritsu would have found this irrational hate hilarious to see but it wasn’t. It wasn’t funny to see at all.

If anything, it was scary. It was terrifying.

Ritsu didn’t know that this kind of thing could happen.

It made Ritsu feel like he has done something  _ terribly wrong _ .

“I’m sorry that you had to put up with me this entire time―I really don’t deserve someone like Ma-kun.”

Ritsu is met with a kiss. Mao shakes his head. Don’t blame yourself, Ritsu.

Mao didn’t do a good job in this relationship either. He swamped himself with work. He kept ignoring all of those ugly things being hurled at Ritsu. He didn’t do enough to protect Ritsu. He doesn’t deserve Ritsu’s tears. If anything, Mao should apologise for not doing enough. Ritsu deserved better.

All Mao has been doing to Ritsu is get frustrated and be ignorant over Ritsu’s own frustrations. All he did was make it seem like it was Ritsu’s fault that they’re stuck in this situation when it’s not. It shouldn’t be anyone’s fault. This situation has been a complete disaster and Mao acting snappy wasn’t solving anything. All it did was make matters worse. Ritsu shouldn’t cry for Mao at all.

Ritsu smiles sadly when Mao talks about how he should have done better. The things he should have done. How he should have been stricter on interviews. How he should have told fans off more. How he should have done better in stopping people from prying into their lives. All of those things that Mao doesn’t need to think about anymore. There’s no need to hurt yourself, Ma-kun.

Ritsu kisses Mao. Ritsu forgives Mao.

There’s no need to push themselves anymore.

Ritsu is still a little disappointed, though. He can’t help but want to be a little selfish. He knows he can’t push this relationship anymore.

This relationship feels severely exhausted. Both of them know that. It’s not that they don’t like each other anymore. It just feels exhausting with all the baggage it has unexpectedly come with. Ritsu hates it a little. Ritsu wished things didn’t turn out this way. Ritsu wants to stay with Mao a little more. It’s hard to want that when all they feel next to each other is a mixed bag of uncomfortable emotions neither of them know the name to.

Mao holds Ritsu’s hand tightly. Though Mao’s face is clear that he doesn’t want to do this, he agrees anyway. Neither of them want this. Ritsu knows that but this relationship is barely holding itself together anymore. Both of them have been finding ways to take the blame when there is no need. Both of them have been finding ways to blame each other when there is no one to blame. Both of them are being stretched out by everyone else around them. It only makes sense to take a break.

“ _ I love you, _ ” Mao whispers into Ritsu’s face as Ritsu giggles. Mao’s warmth is Ritsu’s favourite. Ritsu is going to miss this.

It hurts that this relationship turned out this way. It’s a shame that Ritsu just can’t risk it anymore.

“ _ I love you too, _ ” Ritsu responds sadly. He doesn’t want Mao to go but he can’t keep pulling Mao back like this. Though Ritsu keeps saying there is no one to blame, Ritsu is the one pulling Mao back. Ritsu is the one hospitalised. Ritsu is the one falling apart. Mao is the one who tries so hard in putting Ritsu back together again. Mao has been nothing but pure love for Ritsu.

Clearly by the looks of how tired Mao is, Ritsu can’t help but think he has exhausted Mao’s love.

To be honest, Mao isn’t the only person Ritsu has exhausted. His family is another. Knights as well. Trickstar too. Ritsu has been nothing but exhausting.

It’s only fair that Ritsu agrees to the hiatus. It makes sense for Ritsu to take a break. Not only will it  _ finally _ get people to leave Knights alone. It clears Ritsu’s name from Mao. It clears Ritsu’s name from his family too.

How funny.

Ritsu’s name has been turned into some weird taboo. Nobody wants to hear Ritsu’s name anymore. Not even Ritsu. Too many things are associated with Ritsu’s name. None of which are what Ritsu wants. It’s terrifying, honestly. Ritsu didn’t think he could hate his name like this. Ritsu didn’t think his name could be tainted like this.

New Dimension tells Ritsu that he deserves the break. He  _ needs _ the break, they said before sending Ritsu home.

As much as Ritsu appreciates that, Ritsu hasn’t had a proper break in a  _ very long time _ . Last time they put Ritsu on a light break, Ritsu attempted suicide. What makes everyone think Ritsu wouldn’t attempt again? Ritsu can’t just  _ do something else _ .

Then again, it’s not like anyone wants to force Ritsu to do something. They don’t want to hurt Ritsu which he appreciates but Ritsu isn’t fragile. At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself. Everyone knows that’s not true. Ritsu knows that it’s not true. It’s clear in the bag of medicine and bandages he was given after his discharge.

Ritsu sighs. It’s only been the first week of this hiatus. Ritsu is already bored of this. God knows how long the doctors and company will force Ritsu to take a break. Judging by the bandages on his wrist, it’ll be a long time. Even if Ritsu were to complain about wanting to come back, it’s not like Ritsu can come up with a good reason to come back. What is he going to say? He missed his fans? Aren’t the fans the reason why he got caught in that situation? Ritsu can’t say work either. Work drove him insane and led him to making these foolish choices.

It’s hopeless. Ritsu knows the doctors and company know Ritsu better than himself at this point.

Even then, Ritsu wished he could do something. Just anything.

Speaking of work, how has Mao been? Ritsu hasn’t texted him throughout this entire week. Not like they were texting before the hiatus. Ever since that hospital trip, Ritsu feels like Mao has completely cut Ritsu out of his life. It’s supposed to be a small break. They haven’t broken up yet but it feels like it.

It’s a little sad, honestly.

Ritsu doesn’t want to break up with Mao yet. Ritsu says that but he knows how exhausting this relationship is. With how everyone was treating them, Ritsu thinks a break is very much needed. As much as Ritsu hates it.

Mao said it himself; Ritsu needs a break. That break includes not being with Mao too.

Though, didn’t Mao take some time off too? It wasn’t for a very long time, though. Maybe like a week or two. Ritsu can’t remember. All he remembers is that it was far shorter than Mao was supposed to take. Mao is a highly demanded idol, after all. Can’t keep that boy away from work for too long too. He’ll find a way to do work  _ somehow _ . Stupid Ma-kun.

Ritsu giggles as he flops onto his couch. Surely, Ma-kun would pout at Ritsu if he heard that. Stupid workaholic. Ritsu can’t but smile warmly as he thought about the expressions Mao might make if he heard Ritsu. That stupid frown Mao makes as he hovers above Ritsu, mumbling about Mao not being the only workaholic in this relationship. Ritchan too, Mao will pout. Ma-kun is so cute when he does that.

_ God. He feels a little pathetic. _

“I wanna see Ma-kun so bad,” Ritsu whines. He can always turn on the TV but that meant being faced with the news and Ritsu doesn’t like that. He can always look up videos of Mao online but that meant seeing videos regarding Ritsu too and Ritsu isn’t very interested in being reminded about that. He doesn’t have to think about looking up Mao's name online. Ritsu will be there alongside him.

Ritsu sighs. Moments like this, Ritsu quickly realises why he has to stay at home.

Even when you try to erase that fact, Ritsu knows that it won’t be the same. The Mao that’s going to be displayed isn’t going to be the same Mao that caves into Ritsu. The Mao he’ll see is  _ Trickstar’s Isara Mao _ . That Mao speaks in sweet voices that make people swoon over him. That Mao is the one that can do no wrong. He is loved by everyone. He is cared by everyone. Someone Ritsu doesn’t fully recognise, to be honest. No matter how many years Ritsu has shared activities with this Mao, Ritsu isn’t used to him at all.

Ritsu doesn’t want that Mao. Ritsu wants  _ his Isara Mao. _ Ritsu wants the stupid Mao that complains all day about whatever stupid thing that bothers him. Ritsu wants the Mao that claims to not be a big baby but then whines when Ritsu’s body isn’t in his arms for more than a minute. Ritsu wants the Mao that hates it when Ritsu calls him horny even though his hands are doing things to Ritsu that make his body curl into him. Ritsu wants the Mao that no one else knows  _ but _ Ritsu.

God, he is so pathetic. Ritsu hates this so much.

Ritsu hates crying. Especially on his own. It makes him feel pathetic. He knows he’s lonely. He knows he wants Mao. He knows all of that but why is he still crying? Is it the fact that Ritsu can’t waltz into a hi-touch session and have Mao greet him with a kiss? Is it the fact that Ritsu can’t stroll into the practice rooms and hope Mao will be there to greet him with a smile? Is it the fact that Ritsu can’t do anything without being watched? Maybe. Maybe it’s one of those reasons. Maybe it’s all of them. Ritsu doesn’t know anymore.

Ritsu messily wipes his tears. It sucks. It really does suck.

All of these feelings are hard to cover up now that Ritsu realises how alone he is. At least when Ritsu is at work, he can keep them at bay but at home, everything bursts open. Ritsu can’t help but drown in these thoughts.

It’s terrible that Ritsu is afraid of hearing what people have to say right now. It’s terrible that Ritsu is cooped up in his apartment, unable to go outside because he doesn’t want someone to suddenly confront him and say awful things. It’s terrible that Ritsu still cries over the thought of someone hurting him for being so goddamn useless. It’s terrible that amongst all of the people that he’s afraid of, Mao is the one that he’s afraid of seeing the most. It’s funny, really. Ritsu wants to see Mao but at the same, he’s  _ terrified _ of Mao seeing him like this.

Ritsu is just so scared that Mao is going to realise that those words people have said about Ritsu were right. Ritsu is afraid that this break will mean they’re gone for good. Mao is going to find someone better than Ritsu. It’s stupid. _ It’s so fucking stupid. _

No matter how many apologies Ritsu tries to hiccup through, Ritsu won’t be forgiven.

Ritsu thinks he’s an ugly crier. He cries messy hot tears all the time. He doesn’t know how to cry pretty at all.

Stupid Ritsu. God knows what he’s trying to do. He himself has no idea if his message even looks like a proper message but it doesn’t matter anymore. Ritsu just wants to send it, even if it’s breaking the rules. Ritsu wants reassurance. Maybe. Ritsu doesn’t know. Maybe he’s become too emotional to think straight anymore.

All he wants is one simple response. Just something to keep himself at bay tonight.

  
  
  


_ Ritchan: iashdhateamsyself _

  
  
  


It’s not even the end of the first week and Ritsu is already breaking the rules? Mao can’t exactly blame Ritsu. Though they agreed to take a break on their relationship, Ritsu’s message clearly disproves that they’re taking that break seriously. Then again, this is a normal part of their relationship even as friends. If Mao were to say that aloud, Subaru will tease him about dating Ritsu years before it even became  _ official _ . Mao doesn’t want to hear that from Subaru. It messes with his pride a little.

That aside, Mao stares at the message Ritsu sent.

Though Ritsu promised to take time off so he could recover, leaving him on his own really wasn’t a good idea. It’s not like Ritsu could go anywhere else. His entire family is always busy. That house has always been empty. Ritsu will just feel even more trapped in there than his own apartment. As strange as that may seem. Besides, it’s not like Ritsu would want to stay with Mao’s family. Mai would adore the idea but Mai doesn’t live there either. She lives in her college dorms now. Ritsu would only feel awkward with Mao’s parents. Mao knows Ritsu wouldn’t want to burden Mao’s parents with his tears either.

On top of all that, it’s not like Mao could go see Ritsu.

Starmaker had already warned Mao about heading to Ritsu’s house. It wouldn’t solve anything. It’ll escalate things, if anything. The company already warned Mao about being followed by the media and stalkers. Mao knows that but wouldn’t it make more sense to file restraining orders on them? Unless, they’re that selfish enough to risk Mao’s safety so they can ensure a loaded bank account.

“I think they meant they don’t want you to accidentally lead them to Ritsu-kun’s apartment, Isara-kun.” Mao groans at Makoto’s explanation. He knows what the company meant. He just wished things didn’t fold out this way and endangering Ritsu wasn’t a thing that Mao could do. Then again, when has Mao  _ not _ endangered Ritsu? Mao is starting to doubt how safe it is for Ritsu to be in a relationship with him.

Still, Mao wants to be selfish. He still wants to go see Ritsu.

It’s only been a week. This hiatus still has a  _ long way to go _ . Mao has to get used to it, somehow. Stop being so stubborn.

Even after this hiatus, will Ritsu still want Mao? Mao can’t help but wonder about that. He can’t help but feel a little insecure where their relationship stands at the moment. Mao doesn’t want to doubt Ritsu but feelings can change. Especially with God how long Ritsu is planning to be on hiatus. All that time alone, Ritsu might start wondering about his feelings towards Mao. Will they be the same as before? Will Ritsu doubt Mao wanting to be with Ritsu after the hiatus? Mao doesn’t want to date anyone else but Ritsu, though. The chances of meeting someone better than Ritsu is in complete negatives. It’s impossible.

Mao wants to patiently wait for Ritsu, if he is allowed to.

  
  
  


_ Ma-kun: I love you though _

  
  
  
  


Ritsu didn’t expect Mao to break the rules a little too. Though it’s small and almost seemed like it was snuck in while Mao was working, Ritsu felt warm at the sight of it. Surely, Ma-kun won’t respond if Ritsu tried to send him another message. That’s okay. This is enough. Ritsu can get by with this small message alone.

Ritsu happily waltzes into his kitchen. Maybe he can make dinner. His dad mentioned something about eating healthy. That would be easier if Ritsu could go buy it. If only going out was easy, Ritsu grumbled.

Then again, it’s not like Ritsu can’t go out. It’s just scary to go out.

Ritsu tries not to delve any deeper into those thoughts. He’s not in the mood for another crying session. Mao sent him a message, this sadness is not going to take Ritsu’s excitement away from that. Ritsu sighs. He’s going to have to keep finding something else to think about, though. He can’t keep messaging Mao whenever he’s lonely. Not only does that defeat the entire point of the break, Ritsu is going to be reminded  _ why _ he’s on hiatus. That’s not something he wants to think about  _ at all _ .

A distraction. Ritsu needs a distraction.

“ _ Ah. _ ”

Ritsu stares at his balcony. It’s not very big but  _ big enough _ . Not to mention, it is  _ a distraction _ . It’s also  _ healthy. _ He’s technically fulfilling all of his tasks in one shot. It’ll definitely take up time which is what he needs. Once he starts that, he might find himself doing other things too. It’s a win-win situation.

After all, Ritsu has always wanted a balcony garden. Maybe he’ll plant tomatoes, good bright red ones.

“ _ Woah― _ That’s a huge ass red mark on your forehead, Sarii!”

Ah, is it still there? Mao thought it would have healed by now. Hokuto and Makoto stutter over their concerns as Subaru slaps a cooling pad on his forehead. Thanks. He actually needed that. No kidding.

Mao reassures Trickstar that he just hit his head on his way to the studio yesterday. Kind of stupid, honestly.

Has stress piled up on Mao again? Has Mao lost his emotions? Has Mao lost his persona? Mao doesn’t know. All he knows is that fans like it when he gets a little snappy. That’s great and all but do they realise that he’s snappy  _ because of them? _ Not because he knows it makes him attractive. It’s great that it seems like the scandal is being pushed past him but at the same time, it feels like they’re just pretending it never existed. It feels like Mao is being asked to forget Ritsu exists. 

Maybe Mao is thinking too much into this. 

Mao doesn’t know anymore. He feels like he’s going crazy in the weirdest way. 

Maybe he’s just tired. Maybe he’s lonely. Maybe he just needs a break. Focus on something that isn’t about Ritsu. Clearly, that’s all that he’s been thinking about.

How is Ritsu doing? What is he doing right now? Is he okay? Is he eating well? Is he sleeping well? Is he relaxing enough? Did he remember to eat his medicine and change his bandages today? Mao can’t help but feel worried and angry about Ritsu whenever his name is brought up. It’s not Mao’s fault that he feels like a ticking bomb. With how often he’s getting  _ teased _ or  _ asked _ about Ritsu’s well-being, the more Mao feels insulted by how they want to toss Ritsu’s name like that. The worst part is, they know Mao can get in trouble for answering  _ and _ not answering.

If Mao answers, he’ll be scrutinized for acknowledging the existence of Ritsu. Fans don’t like it when Ritsu is mentioned. He’s someone that Mao shouldn’t have been with. He’s merely someone that brought nothing but trouble in Mao’s life. Ritsu should be something swept under the rug.

If Mao doesn’t answer, he’ll be scolded for being a terrible boyfriend. He doesn’t care enough to protect Ritsu even after all Ritsu has been through. He doesn’t love Ritsu enough to know how he’s doing right now. That’s what people always say, don’t they? They  _ love _ pointing at Mao for being a terrible boyfriend when they clearly don’t realise that he was the one that drove Ritsu to the hospital after they pushed him to do something he shouldn’t have. 

Don’t act like a saint. Those who whine to Mao about being a terrible boyfriend are the same people who kept pushing Ritsu to kill himself. Mao isn’t stupid.

Still, Mao can’t just mope in sadness and anger forever. Ritsu isn’t going to come back if he acts like this. He has to do something else. He should distract himself with something.

Well, it’s not like Mao  _ can’t _ have Ritsu on his mind. He just has to find a way to not mope himself to death. That’s easy. He can always write songs and dance with the rest of Trickstar. Not only is he going to be able to make new songs for Trickstar, Ritsu might listen to them too. That’s the perfect solution, right?

All Mao has to do is to not be cheesy. That is a little hard but  _ Mao can try _ .

Watching idols gets a little easier as time goes by. Ritsu feels less like an idol and more like a fan as he turns on the TV. He feels like a housewife too. Sitting in front of his TV and folding all of the laundry, someone might not believe Ritsu if he were to say that he’s an idol.

“ _ Oh, they look cool. _ ”

Knights released an EP. It’s the first one without Ritsu. It feels weird to not be performing without them. They look kind of weird with only 4 members. The song is also pretty weird without Ritsu’s voice too. Though, isn’t this a song that Ritsu sang a demo for Leo? Did New Dimension really decide to go forth with a song that Ritsu sang the demo for? Seems pretty rude for Ritsu. Not like Ritsu can comment.

Ritsu can’t even mumble along. Some of the lyrics have been changed. The instrumentals are pretty different too. Not a lot of it is similar to the demo Ritsu sang. That’s kind of weird. Well, maybe Ritsu finds it weird because he isn’t used to it. Either way, Knights sound and dance beautiful as usual. Ritsu can’t deny that.

The interviewer asks Knights about the song. Ritsu wonders what Leo will say? Ritsu can’t remember the song so much. It was something about playing hard to get, right? Ritsu doesn’t remember anymore. He just recalls Leo mentioning that it’s a  _ Ritsu-like _ song. Ritsu still doesn’t see it, even after the changes.

“Yea, this song is pretty special―Though we’re performing as a quartet, I actually never removed Rittsu’s backtrack!” Leo joked. Just like the rest of Knights, Ritsu gawks at Leo. He never removed Ritsu’s backtrack? Why not? Is Leo crazy? It seems so. The idiot continues to laugh about how the songs in the EP have Ritsu’s vocals in the backtrack. Some were originally sung by Ritsu. Some were simply fabricated with a computer. He even adds on that the entire EP feels like a  _ Ritsu-like _ album so please listen to it carefully.

The interviewer stammers as Leo tells the audience; though Knights is a quartet at the moment, Knights will always be a quintet. Get it right!

Ritsu can only watch the music show in confusion. Ritsu quickly learns that Knights aren’t the only ones making a racket. Rei makes a mention of Ritsu too. It’s quicker and nicer than Leo’s, obviously. Mika makes a mention of Ritsu in a funny way. Ritsu appreciates it anyway. So many people are confusing others at the sudden mention of Ritsu. Do they miss Ritsu that much? It’s barely been 4 months.

Kind of feels weird to see that.

Ritsu didn’t expect that at all. Ritsu didn’t know that at all. It’s such a strange feeling. It could be due to the fact that Ritsu hasn’t been paying attention to anything related to idol work. Ritsu has not been keeping up with any of his friends, minus Knights. They keep Ritsu updated because of their group chat, not because Ritsu is actively following them. They still act like Ritsu is working with them even though it’s been months.

All Ritsu has been doing is distracting himself with activities that don’t really correlate to his job. Gardening. Tea-making. Baking. Cooking. Drawing. Anything. Ritsu has just been so caught up in trying to do something else, Ritsu didn’t think people actually cared if he were gone for so long. It’s kind of sweet, honestly. Ritsu can’t help but smile warmly as he watches his friends and family make fools out of themselves.

Ritsu just hopes they’re not putting themselves in danger at Ritsu’s expense. He wouldn’t want that to happen to them at all. 

Ritsu wonders how fans will react to this, though? Too many people making a racket about Ritsu’s hiatus. Surely, it’ll cease, right?

Last Ritsu checked all those kinds of messages, they kept calling Ritsu a freeloader. While Knights are off doing their individual schedules, Ritsu is staying at home. Shouldn’t he be ashamed of himself? A little. To be honest, he is a little ashamed of that. Ritsu knows that he’s supposed to be taking the break but when he sees comments like that, he too feels like he’s just using Knights’ money.

It’s kind of sad, really.

“Isara-kun’s songs have been pretty romantic, haven’t they?” The interviewer asks on the TV screen. Ah, Trickstar are promoting too. Ritsu didn’t know that. Ritsu hasn’t been keeping up with any idol news, to be honest. It’s too difficult to. Ritsu can barely keep up with Knights. Let alone any other group, despite Trickstar having Mao in there.

Trickstar teases Mao about writing romantic songs again. Ritsu stares at the screen as he watches Mao laugh in embarrassment. Of course, the interviewer tries to squeeze out an answer as to why they’ve all been love songs. Ritsu wonders about that too. It’s been a while since Ritsu heard Mao’s songs. Ritsu has always loved Mao’s love songs, though. Surely, Ritsu will love this one too.

“ _ Could it be a new muse? _ ” The interviewer asks.

Ritsu frowns at that question. New muse? Are they saying Mao is dating someone new?

Of course, Mao isn’t answering the question directly. He avoids it swiftly by talking about how the song could be about the other members, not Mao. With an open answer like that, Trickstar are quick to dispel any chances of another dating rumour. Clearly, they don’t wanna go through _that_ _mess_ again. Ritsu can tell that much.

Even then, Ritsu can’t help but feel bothered. The way they imply that the love song is personal to Mao, Ritsu can’t sit right. The way they imply that the love song has to be something that happened to Mao  _ recently _ , Ritsu can’t help but feel annoyed. Is he annoyed? No, that doesn’t seem the right word.

“ _ Jealous? _ ”

Ritsu hates the taste that word leaves in his mouth.  _ Jealous. _ Well of course, Ritsu would be jealous. If anything, Ritsu is more offended by that phrase.  _ New muse? _ Did they forget Ritsu exist? Did they think Ritsu wouldn’t feel offended by that kind of question? What makes them think that Mao would have found a new partner? Before Ritsu can send himself into another fit of anger, Ritsu remembers  _ exactly _ why people could assume such a thing on Mao.

_ Right. _ Ritsu and Mao aren’t together.

These past months, their relationship was barely there. It’s barely held together anymore. Their texts get shorter and shorter. Their relationship is nothing but a scandal now. Something the entire world wants to forget about. Though they seem to be  _ kind _ enough to remember Ritsu, even if it’s merely being labelled as the Knights’ member that tried killing himself. It’s still something, right?

Ritsu sighs. Ritsu shouldn’t doubt Mao. Ritsu knows that much but he can’t help it.

The distance between them has grown too far apart. Ritsu feels like nothing but a fan. It’s awkward. Mao is up there, smiling dazzlingly while Ritsu is down here, watching it off of a TV screen. Ritsu feels like he has been completely forgotten by Mao.

Ritsu stares at their last conversation. It was from a month ago. Nothing interesting is in there. Just a photo of Ritsu’s garden that Mao compliments by sending a thumbs up sticker.

Maybe Mao is dating someone else. Clearly, he doesn’t seem to hold that strong of an interest in Ritsu that much anymore. Maybe he was hinting to Ritsu that he found someone new. Maybe these conversations are him trying to give Ritsu a hint that Mao really doesn’t want to be in a relationship with Ritsu anymore. Their relationship didn’t work out as well as they planned. 

They tried their best.

Ritsu wipes his messy tears after shutting the TV off.

They really did try their best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wild gestures) i'm down to my last hurrah  
> take what you will with this chapter bc the next chapter is (possibly) a big boi  
> mao and ritsu spend more time apart in this chapter than the last two which is a shame but thats kind of the point of this entire fic (theyve been too chummy lately haha jkjk)
> 
> as usual, i hope you had fun and thank you for reading!!  
> (tell me that this was a stupid idea on twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))


	4. Love Selfishly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships are confusing. Romantic or platonic.
> 
> Once they’ve gone back and forth between those two, it gets even more confusing.
> 
> Something about the tangled relationship both Mao and Ritsu feels when they think about each other, it’s something no one can solve for them. To want to be together but the accumulated fear of repeating this fiasco all over again piles up on them.
> 
> It’s such a shame that they can worry all about this without even meeting each other. _Not even once._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter!!!!!!!!!!  
> yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> maoritsu good but also maoritsu bad (what) idk man their r/s can be p darn confusing to me at times but that's beside the point  
> what matters is that!!!!!!!!! this fic is done!!!!!!!  
> i hope you enjoy!

It’s funny. It’s strange.

Ritsu doesn’t know why he wants to get back into his idol work as soon as possible. Just earlier, he was happily telling his mother about the herbs and vegetables that he has managed to grow happily in his house. Now, he wants to drop his garden and go back to work. The other day, he was telling Eichi and Hajime about tea-making and how they should come by when they can. Now, he wants them to cancel the visit and go back to work. There were so many other things Ritsu was planning to do but suddenly, he doesn’t want to. He just wants to go back to work.

Why? Ritsu doesn’t even need to ask himself why.

People are suddenly _thrilled_ at Mao having a new partner. It’s not Ritsu.

That’s fine. That’s _perfectly_ fine. Ritsu is glad for that. Ritsu’s name is scrubbed clean from that fiasco, right? Ritsu can go back to work and not fear someone pressuring Ritsu anymore, right? Ritsu doesn’t have to worry about all of that anymore, right?

“ _Let’s hope this person isn’t like Ritsu-kun lol_ ”

It doesn’t matter that Mao doesn’t want Ritsu anymore. If anything, Ritsu is glad that Mao can finally shower someone else with all that love. Whoever they are, they definitely deserve it. Ritsu can say that proudly. Whoever they are, Ritsu is thrilled to see someone be loved by Mao. They must be lucky. After all, Mao is a wonderful boyfriend. 

“ _I knew it lol Isara-kun would never date someone like Ritsu-kun lol_ ”

Ritsu tries to tell himself that he isn’t bothered by this. Surely, it’ll die down. It’s been months. They can leave Ritsu alone now. Just focus on whoever that person Mao is dating. Since you’re so thrilled with Mao not dating Ritsu, why don’t you pamper that new partner of his? Ritsu could never wish terrible things onto Mao, even if Ritsu is clingy towards him. It’s just hard not to feel annoyed by the sudden change of attitude. They’re nice to this mysterious partner of Mao’s but then were spitting out pure poison at Ritsu? Talk about hypocritical.

“ _It really was pity-dating._ ”

Why is that even when Ritsu is gone, they _still_ have something to comment on? It doesn’t matter if Ritsu is present on screen or not, they always have something to press Ritsu about. The minute Ritsu checks his phone, he is bombarded with more questions about Mao. The minute Ritsu considers agreeing to a call-only interview, he backtracks out of fear that all they’ll ask is the goddamn relationship. The minute Ritsu considers coming back, he is quickly reminded that he should just quit being an idol completely. There’s no point in coming back.

All that anxiety Ritsu has tried silencing for the past 4 months bursts open, Ritsu can’t handle it anymore.

Ritsu doesn’t want to drown in this worry. He doesn’t want to be in this house anymore. He’s trapped in this house. He needs to get out of this house. He can’t stay in this house any longer. One more minute in this house, he’ll go crazy. Ritsu can’t take it anymore.

It’s too much. The ringing in his ears rises to an uncomfortable degree.

Ritsu thought he could ignore it but he _can’t_. After all, he’s lived with this ringing silence in his ears for months. He thought he could handle it but he can’t. Just like this fear rattling in him, he can’t ignore it anymore. It’s hopeless. He can’t hide from this pain anymore. It’s a shame. He really thought he was getting better but he wasn’t. He was simply ignoring it. He wasn’t fixing it. He was ignoring it. Treating it like it’s some pest that Ritsu could get rid of.

The only other sound that Ritsu hears is his heavy breathing. The feel of his chest tightening each time he takes one big gulp of air, it’s not reassuring in the least. Ritsu feels like he’s drowning. He can’t breathe. He can’t hear. He can’t see. He can’t feel anything else _but_ warmth. It’s not the reassuring kind. It’s the kind where Ritsu feels like he’s on complete fire.

Ritsu is a mess.

“ _You want to go back to work?!_ ”

Ritsu doesn’t know why asking advice from his family was an option. Nothing about it seemed like a good idea. He listened to Rei rant about how Ritsu’s return is going to be unexpected, everyone has been expecting Ritsu to stay out of the industry for an entire year. Rei isn’t wrong for being fussy. Neither is Ritsu’s parents. Their worry makes sense. Their worry is valid. If anything, Ritsu appreciates it.

It’s just―Ritsu can’t take it in this house anymore.

It’s lonely. It’s tiring. Though Ritsu is happy that he has been doing well with his balcony garden and relearning lost skills that he has been unable to sharpen due to lack of time, Ritsu feels like he’s falling apart in this house. Ritsu can’t explain why. He’s frustrated why he can’t explain why. He’s been trying to find a reason, leading up to this day Ritsu got to spend dinner with his family but he still can’t find one. It’s terrible.

“Is it because of _that_ rumour regarding Isara Mao?” Ritsu’s mom asks.

Ritsu’s silence is enough of an answer. Ritsu’s mom sighs. There’s nothing wrong with admitting such a worry. Having that as a reason as to why Ritsu is suddenly eager to come back to work, it’s not a terrible reason. Ritsu’s mom knows Ritsu’s relationship with Mao is complicated now. It’s almost concerning, thinking about it. No one can blame Ritsu for feeling this way.

Ritsu feels lost and worried because of the lack of communication from Mao. Ritsu feels awkward because he can’t determine whether that’s true or not. Ritsu feels uneasy because every sign being thrown his way can _definitely_ suggest that Mao is in a relationship with someone else. Mao is difficult to understand at the moment. It’s almost as if it’s hard to recognise Mao. It’s hard to put a label on this relationship as well.

Is he cheating? Does it count as cheating if they’re _technically_ on a break? Is this new partner of his even real? Is it nothing but a rumour that manifested in itself? Then what about those new songs he keeps writing? They sound too real to be made-up.

To ask directly is too risky but to stubbornly insist Mao still likes Ritsu is dangerous.

Ritsu can’t read Mao from the TV screen at all. It’s hard to recognise Mao on TV. Ritsu can only sit in anxiety as he watches this Mao laugh about some joke Ritsu didn’t quite catch. Ritsu feels weird when he does that. It’s honestly terrifying to be in this type of condition. Ritsu doesn’t want to drown in this. Ritsu shouldn’t. God knows what Ritsu will do if he does. Ritsu doesn’t want to find out.

“If it makes you feel better, no one knows if he’s dating someone new or not―All I’ve been hearing is that Starmaker is worried that he’s overworking himself again.” It’s a funny way to reassure Ritsu but he takes it. Maybe Rei is right. Maybe it’s nothing but a rumour.

Ritsu can whine about how Mao is a good liar but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s overworking. Mao spending too much time in work means he isn’t giving himself time to date. Ritsu knows that. Ritsu has seen what Mao is like when he’s trying to distract himself. Mao won’t be able to remember anything that he files under _unimportant_ . Relationships included. He won’t be able to remember if he’s dating someone if he’s overworking. That sounds awful but Ritsu knows what Mao is like when he’s _purposely_ overworking himself. Ritsu isn’t stupid. All those years with Mao, Ritsu should know this.

Either way, Ritsu wants to return to work. Even if it’s just practice. Ritsu wants to go back to being an idol. As morbid as it seems, Ritsu doesn’t think he can imagine himself dropping this job completely. It seems strange to say the least. Ritsu not being an idol anymore seems so weird. Ritsu can’t imagine it.

Small late practices where no one is around, Ritsu can handle that.

Though it’s a little lonely, Ritsu gets used to them. New Dimension promises to ensure Ritsu doesn’t have to practice with Knights, if he doesn’t want to. There’s no need to rush. Ritsu can take time in getting used to dancing. It’s been a long time anyway.

Ritsu should be focusing on getting back to where he was before all of this. Tsukasa might scold him, even though it might not work. Though can Ritsu say Tsukasa’s scolding won’t work? Ritsu crumbles at the slightest sign of disappointment now. Even Izumi’s light nagging can be a bit scary. Ritsu is so fragile. It’s so funny.

“What do you want to do to come back, though?” A staff member asked Ritsu.

Meetings are held at home now. Ritsu doesn’t mind it. Occasionally, the staff members who come over will help him clean the house and garden with him. The team isn’t that big, though. It’s only 3 people. 4 people if Ritsu is included. Either way, Ritsu enjoys their company. Ritsu is pretty surprised by how patient they were with Ritsu. Maybe New Dimension arranged a team that was willing to take care of Ritsu, even if it takes almost a month for Ritsu to get used to them.

A comeback, though…

A staff member suggests a solo single but it immediately gets retorted with a concern about Ritsu handling interviews on his own. Not to mention, wouldn’t that cause some sort of racket made by Knights’ fans? Ritsu getting a solo single before anyone else in Knights? Seems a little selfish, doesn’t it? Especially as a comeback from hiatus. Ritsu doesn’t want to give Knights trouble.

The team asks what kind of things Ritsu wants to avoid. If Ritsu can give a list of things he wants to avoid, maybe they’ll figure out a job suitable for Ritsu?

Things Ritsu wants to avoid doing, huh? There are a handful. Ritsu would probably want to refrain himself from showing his face. He wants to do something that doesn’t involve a lot of interviewing too. Maybe something that doesn’t involve him talking? Or maybe something that doesn’t give people a chance to bring up Ritsu’s scandal. All of these things seem pretty impossible to avoid, though.

They aren’t a main priority. Ritsu kind of doubts that there would be a show that lets him do that.

Though Ritsu says that, his team has something else to say. They insist that they can find a show that will fulfill _most_ of Ritsu’s requirements. Like a bunch of demons, Ritsu might compare them to. Ritsu has to admit, having a team like them was probably a bad idea. Their personalities ring very much like Knights. Something which Ritsu wishes he could tell them that _isn’t a compliment_.

Singing with a costume that covers you head to toe is fine. If anything, it’s great. It checks off all of the things Ritsu wants to avoid. The interviews are more about guessing who Ritsu is than anything else. They ask Ritsu funny questions that Ritsu doesn’t know how to reply back. Has Ritsu been out of shape for that long? Ritsu can’t help but wonder as he’s asked to imitate a dance Ritsu is struggling to recognise.

At least, they can’t really figure out if Ritsu is an idol or not. That’s kind of the point of the show, ain’t it?

Ritsu is stuck in a costume for a month. Something Ritsu didn’t expect to do. Winning is a nice feeling but staying in the costume and finding songs to sing is kind of hard. Playing a _king_ isn’t easy either. Is this seriously what Leo wanted Knights to fight over when they were in highschool? Ritsu can quickly confirm Leo that _he does not like it_. Kind of feels weird. At least, performing is getting easy. Ritsu doesn’t feel so nervous singing in front of people. Maybe it’s the costume that makes it less scary.

The lack of judgment, outside of Ritsu’s singing and gestures, are comforting. It’s a really weird form of comfort.

A part of Ritsu wished he could stay like this forever.

“ _I’m not crazy, right? It sounds like him, doesn’t it?!_ ” Subaru shouts as he points at the TV. What is he going on about this time? It seems like Hokuto and Subaru are arguing about something again.

Oh. They’re arguing about contestants on that masked singing show. Who is it this time?

“The current king―Doesn’t he sound like Ritsu?” Subaru asks Mao for an opinion. He mentions how if Mao feels like it sounds like Ritsu, then _it has to be Ritsu_. What kind of logic is that? Mao doesn’t understand Subaru at all. Not to mention, is that why Subaru decided to have dinner at Mao’s house? If this is all you came to Mao’s house for, please go back to your own homes and eat dinner there!

Hokuto sighs. Maybe for Subaru but don’t lump him and Makoto together with him. They’re having dinner at Mao’s apartment because they’re worried. Mao has been working so much on his own that Hokuto can’t help but wonder if he’s forgotten that he’s part of Trickstar again. Everyone knows what Mao is like when he’s working. It’s possible for Mao to forget his age too. He’s just as bad as Knights’ Leo or Undead’s Rei. Something Mao isn’t fond of hearing.

For a minute, Mao appreciates the concern.

Makoto chimes in that Mao is pretty good at cooking too. No one will pass up the chance to have dinner at Mao’s house. Somehow, that kind of lowers the endearment of that worry, doesn’t it? Mao doesn’t want to argue anymore. Just play the video already, Subaru. The quicker Mao does whatever Subaru wants him to do, the less likely Subaru will whine their ears off.

This week’s song from the current king is a song Ritsu’s mom sang.

It’s a popular song. Mao hears it pretty often. Kind of weird to hear a guy singing it but it still sounds good. Actually, it sounds a little _too good_. Mao frowns at the screen as the singer performs the song beautifully. Is that supposed to happen? Well, yeah. That’s the point of the show but the singer is too good at this, isn’t he? The voice sounds too comfortable like it’s a song he has heard thousands of times despite the song being relatively new. It’s sung like he’s the original singer.

Even the way the singer has fun, the genre seems so comfortably worn. Like this is what he was trained for. Though his voice slows the pace, it still fits in just fine. Has Ritsu ever sang a song like this? Not that Mao knows of. Not to mention, if it were Ritsu, wouldn’t this be too on the nose for him? Sure, not a lot of people know that Ritsu is related to his mom _but still_. This would be like Ritsu screaming his introduction on the top of his lungs, wouldn’t it be? Even then, Mao can’t say that doesn’t sound like something Ritsu wouldn’t do.

Mao yawns a little. Damn. Maybe it is _him_.

“I knew it!” Subaru’s voice snaps Mao awake. Subaru is jumping up and down about how it _has_ to be Ritsu. Mao doesn't understand why Mao is the determining factor of the identity of this king. It could be someone else too, you know? There are people out there that have similar voices to Ritsu too.

Subaru shakes his head. It’s Ritsu because Mao always feels sleepy when he listens to Ritsu’s voice. Even during Knights’ performances, Mao tries hard not to doze off whenever Ritsu sings. Especially when the song being performed is slow. Don’t think there are compilations out there of Mao dozing off during a concert. Trickstar has seen them before.

Mao sighs. Even so, it would be a little weird for Ritsu to come back without telling Mao, wouldn’t it be?

Mao pauses for a minute.

Can Mao really say that, though? Can Mao expect Ritsu to tell him if he’s coming back? Isn’t that a selfish thing for him to say? Ritsu doesn’t have to tell Mao. Why should he? It’s not like they’re still together. For the past months, Mao hasn’t paid much attention to Ritsu. He barely responds to Ritsu’s conversations. They’re empty. Mao is barely putting in effort in responding to Ritsu. Their last conversation was months ago.

Ritsu sent him a picture of spring onions that he grew from his balcony. They look like Mao, according to Ritsu. Mao didn’t respond to the joke. He was too busy to send a proper message so he sent a sticker. A cold response, in Mao’s opinion now that he’s looking at it.

Mao sighs as he sinks deep into his couch.

It’s bad enough that Mao is suddenly getting questioned about dating someone else. What is this sudden change of attitude, anyway? When Mao was dating Ritsu, people were livid. They were angry. They kept whining and whining over Mao dating Ritsu when it happened but when Mao makes a love song, everyone is happy that Mao is dating someone new? Do they realise that it’s about Ritsu? Do they realise that all of these love songs are Mao being stupidly hopeful about Ritsu listening to them? People can’t be that stupid, right?

Maybe they are or maybe Mao is just bitter. No one knows.

Trickstar did mention that Mao has been stressed out. Maybe it is the distance that’s eating him a little. Maybe it’s the way the media has been treating Ritsu’s name. Knights have been trying so hard to clean Ritsu’s name from the scandal but other people wish to keep it that way. Mao feels a little annoyed by that, to be honest. All Ritsu is to everyone is that Knights member that attempted suicide. That Knights member who is a freeloader. That _crazy_ Knights member. They never say Ritsu’s name but the way they describe him is revolting.

Mao agrees to watch the next episode with Trickstar. It’ll be a nice break after staying working all week.

Even though he says that, why do they always choose Mao’s house to have dinner?!

“ _I thought you said Subaru’s house?! Why are you guys here?!_ ”

No, don’t give the same reasons as last time! Mao doesn’t care how much Trickstar likes Mao’s cooking, Mao can cook at Subaru’s house! More importantly, why did Subaru bring Daikichi?!

“Aw, Daikichi will get lonely if I leave him at the apartment!” Subaru says as Daikichi runs around the living room. Mao can only sigh as Trickstar shuffles into his living room. Mao can’t really hate Daikichi but Subaru lives two doors away from Mao. Those two doors in between belong to Hokuto and Makoto.

Maybe Ritsu was right. It is strange that Trickstar don’t want to live in the same apartment but do this. Personal space isn’t the right answer anymore because _this_ doesn’t look like personal space at all. There’s barely any of it.

They settle in rather quickly, much to Mao’s dismay. The TV plays the episode. 

Mao watched the last episode on his own but he didn’t realise that the current king wasn’t going to sing at all in that one. Only him happily dancing on his throne while watching the performances. Even then, there weren’t a lot of scenes of him doing that. There weren’t a lot of scenes of the current king in general.

Mao didn’t like the uncertainty Mao feels when he hears the winner sing. He still can’t determine if it’s Ritsu. It aches a little. Maybe everyone just misses Ritsu, that’s why they’re like this. Hoping Ritsu was behind that mask as he sang a comforting lullaby that could easily lull Mao to sleep. Maybe Mao is just yearning. That’s why he finds himself wanting to sleep to this voice, even if it’s not Ritsu.

The current king loses. He finally is dethroned. That means he has to take off his mask.

The audience and the panelists aren’t the only ones who are aching to see this person. Trickstar are too. People online are too. How funny. Who could you be? Mao is dying to know. It’s funny that a part of him is hoping that it’s not Ritsu while another part of him is begging for it to be Ritsu.

  
  
  


Do you know that you’ve made people fall in love with you, just by your voice alone?

How does it feel to have all of this unconditional love?

Do you feel confident enough to reveal yourself?

Are you ready for people to love you for who you are?

More importantly, are you Mao’s favourite voice?

  
  
  
  


This masked singer takes off his mask to reveal _Ritsu_.

Knights’ Sakuma Ritsu. Though the MC says that, Ritsu is nothing close to an idol right now. This is a different Ritsu.

It’s clear in how he stutters and fumbles over his words. The way his cheeks turn red as he tries to look at the panelists with any ounce of confidence. The way he laughs sheepishly as the audience coo at Ritsu. Clearly, no one believes that this is the same Ritsu that they scorned at months ago. To be honest, not even Mao can fully believe that he’s looking at Ritsu through the screen. Not _this Ritsu_ at least.

Knights’ Sakuma Ritsu doesn’t look like this. If anything, that Ritsu is _pretty provocative_. He knows how to move his body for Mao to not want to take his eyes off of. His voice is pretty but it’s never used the way it’s shown on the show. Knights’ Sakuma Ritsu is a bit of a mystery that fans are left trying to figure out every single time they see him.

The person on stage isn’t that person―this is Mao’s Ritsu. This is _Ritchan_.

Ritsu is willing to expose himself like that. Mao can’t help but feel scared for him. It makes Mao want to hide Ritsu away. Mao doesn’t know why but he sits uncomfortably as he watches Ritsu mention how happy he is to perform again. Maybe he’s afraid of the MC mentioning a single thing about Ritsu’s scandal. Though it’s not a scandal. Neither is it just Ritsu’s.

Before Mao can even scold himself for pushing that mess onto Ritsu, the MC asks if Ritsu has any messages for everyone. It's been a long while since everyone has seen Ritsu on stage like this.

“ _Ah―_ I’m sorry for making everyone wait but, _I’m home!_ ”

Ritsu fumbles with the mic a little, his voice cracks a little too. Clearly, he’s scared. He looks like he’s going to cry out of embarrassment, Mao honestly feels bad. Even if he’s crying a little, he’s smiling. Ritsu is so hard to understand. Mao doesn’t understand why he would torture himself like this.

Makoto shows Mao how people feel about this kind of return.

Of course, people are shocked. People are not sure how to react. Some didn’t think Ritsu would return at all. Some are confused. Some are filled with joy. Some are regretting their mistakes. It’s been so long since Ritsu showed his face. There are some changes here and there. Subtle but enough for everyone to realise what they’ve done to him. It didn’t occur to Mao that it’s almost been half a year since Ritsu took that hiatus.

It’s been _6 months_ since Mao last saw Ritsu.

Interviews are hard. Talking is hard but Ritsu is trying his best.

To be honest, the only thing that is making things a little easier is the fact that Ritsu is doing it with Knights. They don’t leave Ritsu alone. They wedge themselves into TV appearances with Ritsu, hoping that it’ll ease any of Ritsu’s fears. Ritsu appreciates it. Ritsu really does. It helps a lot, actually. Ritsu can’t imagine handling these interviews on his own.

Even then, it doesn’t really stop from bursting into tears on instinct or even stuttering over his words. Ritsu thinks it’s a pity that there have been a rather alarming amount of times Knights have attempted to chew out other people for pressing Ritsu too much. Ritsu doesn’t want to cause trouble, even if Knights don't consider that as trouble at all.

Though, the media seems insistent on torturing Ritsu a little. There are some appearances who would prefer Ritsu alone. He understands why. Without Knights, Ritsu is easier to target on these intrusive questions. Terrifying. How they prey on Ritsu makes him uneasy. They have no shame too.

At least, what makes this a little easy is reading how people react to Ritsu’s discomfort. It’s nice to know that people have changed over time. Apparently, Eichi and Rei served those who refused to change no pity. Ritsu remembered being in a call with Rei, begging him to not sue those who left malicious comments on Ritsu’s accounts. Tsukasa and Tsumugi tried stopping them too. _Well_ , mainly Tsumugi as Tsukasa is easily swayed.

“ _They should really stop pressing Ritsu-kun, do they want New Dimension to sue them?_ ”

Ritsu wonders about that. Ritsu doesn’t want to sue people, though. Even if the questions are distasteful and too much. Ritsu doesn’t want to hurt people. Lawsuits are scary. Even then, Rei is right about how they are tainting Ritsu’s name. The fact that Ritsu went through all of that trouble, Ritsu has the right to sue.

“ _Though Ritsu is smiling and laughing along, he’s still wary_ ”

Ah. That’s true. Ritsu is still worried. No matter how comfortable Ritsu wants to be, the camera still scares him. He still instinctively wants to cover his face. His hands itch to cover his face properly. He tries not to smile so much. He tries not to laugh so much. He tries not to cry so much. He tries so hard to be still. He doesn’t want anyone to get mad. He doesn’t want to do anything wrong.

“ _Welcome home, Ritsu! I’ll fight people for you!_ ”

Ritsu laughs at that tweet. Don’t get in trouble because of Ritsu, please. Ritsu doesn’t like fighting. It’s scary. It’s honestly ironic. Knights are known for fighting but Ritsu doesn’t like it. Ritsu, Knights’ strategist, prefers running away from fights than fighting them. How funny. Regardless, Ritsu would rather his fans handle their arguments peacefully.

Ritsu wishes he could feel happy about these comments but he can’t. Though he feels happy with the love people gave him when he returned, he just can’t sit comfortably.

After all, no matter how hard Ritsu tries to, there will always be people disliking Ritsu’s existence. For whatever reason it may be.

“ _lol Ritsu came back bc of Mao’s dating rumours, right? Selfish bitch to the max ★_ ”

Ritsu came back because he wanted to. Whether Mao is dating someone or not isn’t Ritsu’s problem anymore. Even if Mao dating someone else is a little hard for Ritsu to accept, Ritsu is willing to. Ritsu isn’t as selfish as some people like to call him. Please go away, Ritsu wants to say without his voice cracking one day.

“ _Why didn’t you die like we asked you to ^^ Seeing your face isn’t fun at all ★_ ”

Even 6 months wasn’t enough for them, huh? Ritsu can’t figure out why they’re like that. Ritsu notices that they’ve replied to a selfie Mao posted on twitter. They’re gushing over how cute his smile is. Showered Mao with so much love and care. Call him cute and perfect. They did all of that before replying to Ritsu’s post on twitter with such a crude comment? Really, that’s a little gross.

“ _Fixed it. Knights look better as 4 anyway_ ”

Ritsu stares at that post. Ritsu’s entire existence is erased from this group photo. Ritsu isn’t surprised that this could happen. Ritsu just wished this was easy to ignore but it isn’t. Ritsu struggles in ignoring these things. They reply to Ritsu. They message Ritsu. They purposely drag Ritsu through the mud. Ritsu can’t ignore them even if he wants to.

Just as Ritsu wished to find the ability to ignore them, Ritsu is tossed into a radio show.

Ah but not just any radio show. Trickstar’s radio show. _On his own._

“ _R-Ritsu?!_ ”

Mao is just as shocked as Ritsu. They’re awkward with each other, of course. It’s been 6 months since they last saw each other. It’s hard to deal with the tension that was dramatically raised in the room. Ritsu notices some of Trickstar’s staff members are staring at Ritsu funny. Does Mao still have weird staff members? Ritsu doesn’t want to say that aloud. Ritsu can only softly say _hello_ as Mao nods in response.

_This is definitely awkward._

Trickstar are trying their best to ease Ritsu but it’s useless. Ritsu hasn’t been in the same room as Mao ever since Ritsu was hospitalised. Of course, Mao can’t let his persona fall flat here. This is supposed to be his show. He shouldn’t feel awkward. Ritsu knows that but he’s clearly uncomfortable with Ritsu next to him. Ritsu doesn’t blame him. The only person Ritsu can blame is Subaru for shoving Ritsu into this seat. 

Have mercy on them, please. It’s been _too long_ since they’ve been seated next to each other.

The radio session suffers through a couple of bumps but it’s still fun, Ritsu will admit that. Trickstar are fun in their own way. They’re good at playing with each other and with others. They love talking to other people and amongst themselves. Ritsu can’t help but laugh as Subaru talks about Ritsu on that masked singing show.

“Wanna know how I knew it was you?”

Ritsu tilts his head in confusion. How did you figure it out? Ritsu is pretty curious, to be honest. Subaru never came off as someone who could recognise voices from a mile away. Ritsu knew Subaru had a really sensitive nose but not ears.

“Sarii here felt sleepy after hearing you sing!”

Ah. Did he? Ritsu looked at Mao confusedly as Mao sputtered. Cute. Mao is still affected by it? Ritsu didn’t know that. Here Ritsu thought Mao had gotten accustomed to Ritsu's voice. Guess not. Somehow, that makes Ritsu happy. As stupid as it seems.

Mao embarrassedly explains Ritsu’s voice. Warm. Comfortable. Mao likes voices that are similar to Ritsu’s. Of course, Ritsu’s voice is the most comforting. It was hard not to fall asleep to Ritsu’s last performance. A lullaby. Had it not been for the panelists talking in between and the cheering, Mao would have _seriously_ fallen asleep.

Ritsu laughs embarrassedly. Cute. Mao is so cute.

“Then shall I sing everyone a lullaby so they can sleep well tonight?” Ritsu suggests sweetly.

Such suggestion leaves Mao fumbling over his words as Subaru loudly chimes in. As long as Subaru is here, Ritsu doubts that the listeners can go to bed peacefully. No lullaby can help you with that. Ritsu wants to laugh loudly but it’s hard when Ritsu feels Mao’s hand clasp tightly around his underneath the table.

Like they’re in high school all over again. Mao’s warm hand warms up Ritsu’s cold hand. Hidden from the rest. A secret that only they share. Ritsu feels himself getting warmer as he’s allowed to lace his hands amongst Mao’s. The reassuring squeeze Mao gives Ritsu as his laughter rings in Ritsu’s ears, Ritsu doesn’t feel like he’s in a radio studio anymore. It’s crazy. Ritsu can’t help but feel his heart flutter again.

  
  
  


_Guess even after all of this,_ **_Ritsu still loves Mao_ ** _._

  
  
  


Ritsu wonders if this is dangerous. Ritsu wonders if this is even a good idea.

The ability to make the right choices are thrown out of the window when Mao is involved. It’s honestly ridiculous that Ritsu is like that. Didn’t Ritsu spend 6 whole months _trying_ to fix that? Well, no. He didn’t do that at all. Before Ritsu can send himself into a flurry of anxiety and dead-weight guilt, Ritsu is already entering Mao’s car.

Mao is just sending Ritsu home. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Ritsu tells himself that but the way he looks at Mao throughout the entire drive, _clearly_ shows that he doesn’t want Mao to _just drop Ritsu off_ . Of course, Ritsu doesn’t even need to ask Mao to park the car in the basement. He does it _on instinct_ . Even though it's been 6 months and he wouldn’t have remembered the empty park spot that belongs to Ritsu but _so rarely uses it_.

Though Mao seems like he’s just doing all of this on instinct, Ritsu doesn’t stop him. Ritsu doesn’t reject him. Mao doesn’t reject him either. It’s kind of funny why neither of them are stopping each other.

The way Mao lets Ritsu slip into his arms as they stumble into the bedroom. The feeling of Mao’s lips on Ritsu’s neck, it’s kind of overwhelming. In a good way, of course. The way Mao makes it so easy for Ritsu to forget about the mess they’ve been through. How? Ritsu will never understand. It’s probably due to the fact that Mao knows Ritsu _too well_. He knows where to touch and squeeze that can leave Ritsu moaning like a hot mess. He knows where to kiss for Ritsu to instinctively tighten his grip and dig his nails into him.

Why is Mao good at this? Ritsu wants to huff in annoyance but it gets cut off so very easily when Mao squeezes Ritsu’s waist like that.

Even with how good everything feels right now, it’s kind of hard not to feel the same insecurity as Ritsu did months ago.

Ritsu can’t tell if it’s fear that Mao might be dating someone else while doing all of this or the fear Ritsu has of someone seeing this, Ritsu just knows suddenly he doesn’t want Mao touching him anymore. Suddenly, the feeling of Mao touching his bare waist as he tries to remove Ritsu’s pants feels scary. Ritsu can’t deny how Mao kisses Ritsu’s hips feels good but it feels scary too. Does that make sense? Ritsu doesn’t know anymore.

  
  
  


_Ah._

  
  
  


Ritsu feels like he’s in the same position as he was months ago.

  
  
  


Long before the hiatus. 

  
  
  


Long before the hospital.

  
  
  


Long before the livestream.

  
  
  


Back at Mao’s house when their relationship was breaking under all that pressure. The pressure has lessened, hasn’t it? People aren’t trying to push Ritsu’s head under water. People aren’t pressuring Mao to break up with Ritsu. It happened already. All of that has happened. Ritsu knows that but it can’t be helped.

No matter how many years would have gone by, Ritsu would still be _so scared_ to do this.

Ritsu feels gross in front of Mao. He’s completely hideous underneath his clothes. Ritsu feels ashamed when he’s naked like this. It makes Ritsu want to cry. Don’t touch Ritsu, please. Just don’t. Mao clearly doesn’t need to have sex with Ritsu. There’s no need to pretend like their relationship hasn’t fallen apart completely. This relationship is nothing but a mess that they can’t clean up. Ritsu hates that because Ritsu still likes Mao after all of these months but Mao doesn’t. Ritsu doesn’t need to be told that maybe Mao is doing this for some weird form of closure, he already knows Mao doesn’t like Ritsu anymore.

Mao clearly realises that insecurity is spilling over. The way Mao stops and backs away as Ritsu cries. Ritsu doesn’t even give him a chance to ask what’s wrong, Ritsu is already spilling all of these worries. All of these pent up worries that Ritsu has been trying to push deep in his brain so they stay there and never float up ever again. There’s no need to masquerade this as some sort of way for them to get back together, Mao shouldn’t be here anyway.

“What are you going on about?” Mao asks as he puts his shirt back on. Clearly, sex isn’t a thing they’re going to do anymore. Ritsu feels bad because that’s why Mao came here, right?

Ritsu stays silent as Mao sighs. It’s the dating rumours, isn’t it? Fans keep suggesting that Mao is dating someone new when he isn’t. Ritsu doesn’t know if he should believe in that. Actually, Ritsu doesn’t know _how_ he can believe in that. How is Ritsu sure that Mao isn’t lying? Ritsu doesn’t want Mao to be a terrible person.

Mao frowns at Ritsu’s words. Mao could never leave Ritsu for anyone else. There’s nobody that matters more than Ritsu. Sure, Mao will admit that there have been a slurry of people trying to go on a date with Mao again but he has rejected them all. He’s even denied rumours from fans and rejected advances from those who have mistook simple outings as dates. It kind of hurts to know that Ritsu is afraid that Mao doesn’t love him even after all of this.

Even then, Mao knows Ritsu isn’t at fault. He can see why Ritsu would jump to such a conclusion.

Ritsu accepts Mao’s offer to be in his arms. Mao understands how Ritsu feels. Ritsu listens to Mao talk about how he’s just as scared as Ritsu. He’s just as confused as Ritsu. This relationship is one big mess, that’s true. What’s not true is that Mao and Ritsu can’t still want to be together, even all that they’ve been through. No one can stop them this time, Mao promises. Ritsu doesn’t have to worry about a single thing.

If Ritsu still doesn’t believe in Mao, he’ll prove it.

  
  


“ _Do you want me to prove how much I love you?_ ”

  
  


Ritsu gulps. Ritsu doesn’t know why he’s nervous. He just is.

  
  


“ **_Yes._ ** _Please._ ”

  
  


No matter how old Ritsu is, Mao will always take a bath with Ritsu. Mao will always warm the bath for Ritsu. Mao will always wash and dry Ritsu’s hair before his. Mao will always change Ritsu’s clothes. Mao will always use his own shirts that Ritsu keeps in his closet. Mao will always carry Ritsu out of bed. Mao will always tell Ritsu that he isn’t allowed to do anything. Stay put. Every protest is met with a kiss that Ritsu can’t run away from. It leaves him red all over. Head to toe. Till the tip of his ears.

Mao laughs cheekily. Stupid boy, Ritsu thought as he grumbled at the dining table.

Ritsu watches Mao cook in the kitchen. Occasionally, he’ll marvel at Ritsu’s balcony that has continued to survive through Ritsu’s increasingly busy schedule. Occasionally, he’ll stare at Ritsu’s tea making set that looks clearly used rather regularly. The tea whisk has lost a couple of parts but it still works. Occasionally, he’ll hum and mumble out the large list of ingredients that reside in Ritsu’s fridge. Ritsu can’t help but feel a little nervous. It’s like Mao was noticing the differences in Ritsu. It kind of felt like Mao was evaluating Ritsu a little.

Dinner was pasta. Mao mentioned how he wanted to use the fresh basil. He might’ve gotten too excited and added _too much_. Ritsu laughs.

It’s such a strange sight to see Mao eat in front of him. It’s such a weird feeling to feel Mao idly play with Ritsu’s feet with his own as he talks about work. It feels strange to feel Mao’s arms wrap around Ritsu’s waist as he makes tea lattes for the two of them. Ritsu wonders why.

Maybe this sudden domesticity feels weird because Ritsu doesn’t understand what Mao wants.

“Sorry, I just wanted to do all of this before I started talking.” Mao explains sheepishly. His hair is still slightly wet. He knows that, judging by the towel that hangs around his neck. Ritsu is tempted to dry it for him but a part of him stops him from voicing out that temptation.

It takes a couple of minutes of silence before Mao admits that he’s sorry.

Mao is sorry for trying to have sex with Ritsu, the minute they were away from everyone else. Mao is sorry for spending months away from Ritsu, acting like he wasn’t interested in Ritsu. Ignoring Ritsu’s messages. Giving nothing but cheap attention while Ritsu is showering Mao with love. Honestly, Ritsu is right―Mao is terrible. There’s no need for Ritsu to cry for Mao to realise that.

To be honest, Mao doesn’t know what to do with this relationship. He still loves Ritsu. He really does. Every time Ritsu’s voice is heard or Ritsu’s face is seen, Mao finds himself falling in love all over again. Mao still wants to be with Ritsu. Mao wants to sleep next to Ritsu. Mao wants to wake up next to Ritsu. Mao wants to take a bath with Ritsu. Mao wants to have meals with Ritsu. Mao wants to do everything with Ritsu.

It’s hard to touch someone after a situation like theirs, right? Mao doesn’t want to push Ritsu if he doesn’t want to do that yet. Mao doesn’t want to push Ritsu back into a relationship with him yet. They can simply just be friends, if Ritsu wants them to be. 

Mao doesn’t want to hurt Ritsu anymore.

Ritsu understands that but Ritsu doesn’t want to _just be friends_.

Ritsu wants to be in a relationship with Mao again. Ritsu wants to do everything with Mao too. It’s hard not feeling worried and angry whenever he turns on his phone, everyone was excited for Mao getting a new partner but then were so cruel to Ritsu when they were dating. It felt unfair. It felt weird. It felt like people just didn’t want Mao to date _Ritsu_ but anyone else in the whole wide world is alright for Mao to date. Ritsu felt frustrated and the lack of response from Mao was just making it _worse_.

The feeling of Mao’s hand carefully holding Ritsu’s― _Please never let go._

Mao kisses Ritsu’s knuckles before whispering his apologies against them.

Mao knows whenever Ritsu wants to cry, he can’t hear Mao. He knows when Ritsu is scared, all he’ll hear is a relentless ringing that rattles violently in his skull. He knows enough to always whisper his reassurances in Ritsu’s skin. The way his lips move against Ritsu’s skin feels comforting, even if it weren’t for sexual intimacy.

Ritsu feels warm in Mao’s arms. The way he smiles against Ritsu’s skin, Ritsu can’t help but laugh at how ticklish it feels. Ma-kun, won’t leave Ritsu, right? Mao shakes his head as he carries Ritsu to bed.

There’s no need to rush. They can take the time to clean up and rebuild this relationship. Ritsu won’t run away out of fear anymore. Mao won’t ignore Ritsu’s injuries anymore. If Ritsu calls, Mao will run there. As stupid as it seems. Ritsu will do the same. As foolish as it seems. That’s fine. They’re nothing but idiots in love.

All Mao asks Ritsu to do is be selfish. Be as selfish as you want with Mao, Ritchan. No one can take Mao from Ritsu, he can promise that. With that said, Mao can be as selfish as he wants with Ritsu too. It makes Ritsu laugh when Mao mumbles all of that aloud.

Selfish. Ritsu wants to be selfish with Mao confidently.

Though Ritsu wants that, it’s impossible to not drown in worry. What about those people who don’t like Ritsu and Mao together?

Even with that kind of reassurance, Ritsu is still scared of what people think of this. As stupid as it seems. The fear runs deep. It can’t really be fixed, much to his dismay. Mao probably has that pent up fear too. Ritsu can tell as he tightens his grip around Ritsu’s body.

“ _I can do something about that._ ”

Ritsu frowns confusedly at the vague answer Mao gave. Mao asks Ritsu to trust Mao. Don’t worry about it. Trust Mao. It’s going to cause a ruckus but that’s fine, Starmaker and New Dimension can handle that. Trickstar and Knights too. Maybe Ritsu’s family too. You know that they’ll protect them just fine, right? Ritsu can’t fully put his trust on that but he has no choice. He can only sigh as Mao smiles mischievously. Don’t do anything weird, okay?

Though Ritsu warned Mao last night, he doesn’t heed to it _at all_. 

Goddammit, Isara Mao.

Mao takes no shame in posting a picture of Ritsu sleeping in his shirt on Instagram. No sympathy. The caption isn’t any better― _I love you (also thank you for being my source of music)_. Ritsu stumbles to the kitchen as he tries to scroll through comments. Hoping that Mao didn’t just suggest himself as some sort of target. Mao isn’t crazy, right? Mao isn’t stupid, right? Why is he doing this?

“ _Oh_ , good morning―”

Ritsu doesn’t even let him finish that sentence.

“You’re stupid!”

Mao expected that reaction. Even the messy appearance. Mao loves it. Ah, he’s going to sound like Leo but he really could write a song based off of Ritsu’s appearance alone. Before he can even think of a beat that might help him make that song real, Ritsu shakes him for doing something so ridiculous and risky. What does he think he is? Invincible?!

Mao tilts his head in confusion. No, he doesn’t think he’s invincible at all.

There’s no need to look at the comments, Mao yanks the phone away from Ritsu. Don’t focus on how people will react. Just look at Mao only. Only Mao’s reaction matters here. That being said, Ritsu looks good in Mao’s shirt. Ritsu’s exposed legs feel good against him too. Mao likes the feeling of Ritsu’s lips against his.

“You’re so fucking stupid,” Ritsu bites out as Mao laughs.

Yeah, yeah. What if he’s fucking stupid? Ritsu still loves him enough to melt right underneath him. They say they’ll take it slow but here they are, making out on Ritsu’s kitchen counters even though they could very much be having breakfast. What is slow to them? Neither of them knows. They’ll figure it out after breakfast.

For now, all Mao has to do is distract Ritsu from the relentless buzzing from either of their phones. That’s easy. Nothing like obscene touching and kissing will do the trick. It always works on whiny brats like Ritsu.

“ _So that’s where Isara-kun got his famous shirt line, huh? Ritsu-kun does look good in his shirt lol_ ”

Mao loves it when Ritsu’s in Mao’s shirt. He adores it. He wants to see Ritsu in _only_ Mao’s shirt. No pants. Just Ritsu in his tight underwear and Mao’s shirts. That’s enough for Mao to want to devour Ritsu whole. God, Ritsu is so perfect in this.

Of course, Ritsu gets embarrassed when Mao says that. That’s okay, Mao will say it even more then.

“ _Milky skin and soft black hair lolol how did none of us realise that he was talking about Ritsu lolol we’re so fucking dumb_ ”

Milky skin and soft black hair―That’s all Ritsu’s appearance is to Mao. Soft milky skin against his calloused sun-kissed skin, Mao loves the contrast. Though Ritsu thinks it’s ugly, Mao will compliment Ritsu until he believes it. If Ritsu can believe those terrible comments about him, why can’t he believe Mao’s words then?

Ritsu makes a cute noise when Mao squeezes Ritsu’s thigh. Of course, Ritsu slaps his hand for being indecent. Cute. Ritchan is so cute.

“ _Pls duet then!! Knowing how good Ritsu’s voice is, wouldn’t he be perfect for your songs?!_ ”

Better than just good. Ritsu’s voice is _perfect_. Mao can fall asleep to it. Mao loves the sounds it makes when he does things to Ritsu. Talking. Laughing. Singing. Sighing. Grumbling. Sounds Ritsu makes instead of using words to convey feelings. Even incoherent noises Ritsu makes underneath Mao that gets mixed with all that heavy breathing. They’re music to his ears. Any noise to escape out of Ritsu’s mouth―full proper words or even complete gibberish―leaves Mao wanting to hear more. Mao loves it so much.

All of which Mao wants to record for personal use. Something Ritsu is still so very against until now. Ritsu is not going to play into Mao’s weird sexual fantasies. He can play into many but _that_ is one of the few he disagrees with. Gross.

“ _Thank you for always making Ritsu-kun happy_ ”

Mao remembered seeing that message while making breakfast. Long before Ritsu woke up and tried shaking a proper answer out of him. Mao paused at that particular comment. There were many similar to that. Mao recognises some of the usernames. They were the ones who commented their _thank yous_ when their relationship was first revealed. One of them cried during a hi-touch session with Mao too.

They always thank him for loving Ritsu.

Mao never understood why. It didn’t occur to Mao why until the entire situation folded out. Ritsu is hard to like. Ritsu is hard to understand. It’s easy to pick on Ritsu. It’s easy to throw assumptions on Ritsu because Ritsu doesn’t know how to defend himself properly. It’s easy to leave Ritsu. It’s easy to do awful things to Ritsu.

Whenever Mao thought about it, Mao felt bad. He felt like a disappointment to them. He wasn’t very good at loving Ritsu at all. They shouldn’t have thanked him because Ritsu got hurt. Yet despite all he has done, Ritsu and his fans are the same.

“ _Thank you for still loving me,_ ” Ritsu cried as he pressed his forehead against Mao’s. The way he wraps his arms around Mao’s neck tighter. He doesn’t deserve any sorts of thanks for always making Ritsu cry, though.

Mao shakes his head as he pulls Ritsu closer to him. Ritsu shouldn’t be the one thanking Mao. It should be Mao because Ritsu still loves Mao even after all that he’s done to Ritsu. Ritsu still loves Mao even after all the relentless pain he got from others who liked Mao too. Ritsu still loves Mao through everything and Mao doesn’t deserve a single ounce of that.

“ _If there’s anyone who deserves Mao-kun, it’s Ritsu-kun haha_ ”

Thank you for loving Mao, Ritchan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maoritsu: lets start slow--lets not rush and hurt ourselves  
> also maoritsu: make out in ritsu's kitchen bc they're horny
> 
> how gross  
> anyway, i hope you had w this huge mess of a fic!! i did!!  
> personally, it was so fun to think abt this prompt as it seems like smth enst _would do_ but yk it is a p scary topic in general (no matter how you look at it)
> 
> as usual, i hope you had loads of fun reading this and thank you for reading (seriously)!  
> (you can kick my ass behind a gas station, just hmu on twt [@drunkossan](https://twitter.com/drunkossan))


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